(piano music)
- Their thoughts are on note to them?
- Dark thoughts are on note.
So they're apparently just like--
- They're here, they're here, they're here.
- It's good and evil, man.
Come on.
(laughing)
- I love the critical--
- We haven't even gotten to the confusing podcast.
- I truly just want to understand what's going on.
- All right.
- Okay, it was like seven, seven.
(laughing)
- This is our podcast, how does it hold up?
It's dedicated to ruining your childhood, potentially.
- Oh, that's what we all want, okay.
- Yeah.
- We talked about having like a subtitle, you know.
- It'll evolve.
- All the important books have like a first title
and then a real line.
- Are we important?
- We should do like a title like they did
like in the 1800s where it's like 20 words.
It's like-- - Yeah, it goes on.
Yeah, yeah.
(laughing)
- It's like what, at least we got better at naming shit.
(laughing)
- And we are doing a movie today.
- Another movie, yes.
Should we, I mean, we need full introductions.
I think we can just, I'm Brad.
- I'm not.
(laughing)
- Fair enough.
- I'm Brock.
- I'm Amanda.
- All right.
- And yeah, so this week we, well this week,
this episode, we picked another movie.
Didn't really plan on it, but it's another fantasy movie.
And it's an interesting take because unlike Beastmaster,
only one of us had seen this movie going in
and--
- Well, I wonder who that was.
(laughing)
- And it wasn't me.
- Was not me either.
- It was me.
- No, right.
- It was Ridley Scott's legend.
- So I was thinking you could start off Amanda
by telling us what--
- Did we watch?
(laughing)
- That's not quite what I was thinking.
(laughing)
Since you were the only one to watch this movie,
I mean, tell me about what you liked about it as a kid,
what you remember about it, what--
- I mean-- - How many times
did you see it?
- To help our listeners.
It came out in '86, so I would have been--
- You all had to put it, you were young.
(laughing)
- I was young-ish.
And even as a kid, I knew that it was like a weak story.
Like I remember going to see it and being like,
"What is this?"
- So you saw the theater?
- I'm pretty sure I went with my friend Adele
to see it in the theater.
- And then you watched it again after that?
- I really liked Tim Korea.
- Did it have a long theatrical run?
- No.
- No, I truly remember being in the theater.
I don't remember-- - No.
- I don't remember being anywhere.
- It was-- (laughing)
- I remember being at the video store.
(laughing)
I remember seeing it on a shelf.
- I feel like I went and saw this with a friend,
but I may not have, but when it would come out,
it came out either each HBO or Showtime
or one of those over and over and over again.
And every time it came out and I watched it
because visually, it's still a very stunning movie.
Like that part holds up.
- Let's give a stat, so let's give the--
- Stats. - It's '86.
- '86.
- Who's in it?
- Tim Curry.
- Okay. - Tim Curry.
- And some other people.
(laughing)
- And Tim Curry.
(laughing)
- It's awesome.
- Tom Cruise.
- Thomas Cruise.
I don't know.
(laughing)
- I don't know.
- Me and Sarah and Tim Curry and--
- Now, Me and Sarah is--
- Slown from--
- She's slown from Ferris Bueller
for the rest of the year that watched good movies.
(laughing)
- Don't say that.
- I'm not gonna tell you that.
- I guess I've seen Ferris Bueller recently.
It's still good.
- Yeah.
- Well, okay.
- I guess you think they're good movies, yeah.
- Yeah.
(laughing)
- A good movie you would've seen.
- It's part of the problem here.
- It's part of the problem.
(laughing)
- But other than that,
it's the three of them.
That's it.
- Alice, I can't think of her last name.
- I mean, there's like eight people in the movie.
- Yeah, it's a very small cast.
- It's supposed to be this huge universe
and there's like five people in it.
- But is it supposed to be a huge number?
- Right?
- I assume that's what it was.
- I mean, I don't know.
- Brad's just spitballing them out.
- I mean, it starts out with the scroll of a thousand words.
- It's like a book.
- Yeah, do we have that?
We should really read it.
- I'd love to actually read it.
- Somebody should read it.
- A lot of it would be good.
- Yeah, the position.
- The scroll of the darkness.
I feel like they made the movie
and they were like, nobody known it.
- Right, but you wanted some set up.
So Ridley Scott did this movie.
- Right, let's see.
- In addition, he did Blaine Runner,
Alien, Gladiator, The Martian, Black Hawk Down,
Thanoa Louise, Black Rain and some other movies.
Those are the ones that I know.
- He's more, more times than not, a good movie.
(laughing)
- He ran into a lot of obstacles making this.
- Sometimes you win and sometimes you lose
and I feel like he lost on this one.
- So you go into the movie and there's,
are there any credits before?
I don't remember now.
- No, it starts with a darkness.
- You get this, okay?
Here we go.
- You're gonna read it?
- Yeah, I'm actually gonna write it.
Once long ago, before there was such a thing
as time, the world was shrouded in darkness.
- See, time exists no matter what, but--
- Then came the splendor of light bringing life
and love into the universe and the Lord of darkness
retreated deep into the shadows of the earth,
plotting his return to power by banishing light forever.
That's good, there's more.
But precious light is protected.
Harvard and the souls of unicorns.
Yes, there are unicorns.
- That's my part. - Sorry, sorry.
The most, I'll stick to it.
The most mythical of all creatures.
Unicorns are safe from the Lord of darkness.
They can only be found by the purist of mortals.
Such a mortal is Jack, who lives in solitude
with the animals of the forest.
A beautiful girl named Lily loves Jack with all her heart.
In their innocence, they believe only goodness
exists in the world.
Together they will learn there can be no good without evil,
no love without hate, no heaven without hell,
no light without darkness.
The harmony of the universe depends upon
an eternal balance, out of the struggle
to maintain this balance, comes the birth of legends.
- What?
(laughing)
- That fucking opening is a novel.
That is ridiculous.
- Are we still setting up or no?
- I don't, I mean, you can say, but that is,
I'm sorry.
(laughing)
- I mean, honestly, that is way too much.
You should stop halfway through that and just let you,
but they obviously--
- That's part of the problem is that they tell you all this
and they don't--
- The problem is that is such a post,
that's a post production thing.
- That sounds like a summary of the movie.
- Right, they know what--
- Yeah.
- Right, nobody was like, "What the fuck did I swatch?"
She was like, "I did."
And they're like, "Hey, wait, wait, we got you covered."
They should play that at the end too.
So you're rereading it and be like, "Oh, that was it."
(laughing)
- It's almost like, here's--
- It makes sense.
- Here's page one of the script.
- Right.
- Well, I don't wanna try to explain this in a movie,
so put some words on the script.
- I'm telling you, that was a total,
that was a, as they say, a network node
where they were like, "We don't know what's going on.
"We don't know what's going on."
(laughing)
It's like, "I'll put it in.
"You know, Star Wars, that's who's the scroll?"
"Yeah, we love Star Wars.
"Star Wars, great."
"Ah, I'll put the scroll in."
And he puts that in and he tells the whole--
- But it'll be like three times as long.
- He puts the whole plot of the movie in there,
so you know what's going on, because otherwise--
And to be honest, if I had to sit in the piece of paper
beside me, as I'm watching this,
I'd be like, "Oh, worth the eternal darkness."
Okay, I got you know.
Oh, they're getting the unicorn.
Oh wait, okay, Jack, I forgot Jack lived in the forest
and knew all the creatures.
They don't, I mean--
- But to be fair, I really want to make sure
I interject this.
This was not Ridley Scott's movie.
Ridley Scott, and--
- He directed it, that's his movie.
- Okay.
(laughing)
- That's how this works.
- Is that how it works?
- Yeah, that's how it works in the Hollywood, I mean, like--
- In the Hollywood?
(laughing)
- Did he ever attempt to get his name taken off of it,
'cause I know a lot of these directors
were the house and stuffy things.
- He was very unhappy with it.
And angry at the studios, but he still--
- What, but why?
I mean, when I watched it was a masterpiece--
- Wasn't that bad?
(laughing)
- Of both worlds out of up here.
- Right, the person that he went to to write the script
is William and we're gonna do the Shortsburg.
- Shortsburg.
- Shortsburg, the Swedish chef, I don't know.
- William, William, I don't say you're--
- Shortsburg, okay.
- Shortsburg.
- Who also wrote Angel Hart, a very dark and--
- I don't even know what that is.
- That's okay, is that movie?
- Is that all you wrote?
- That I know of.
- He seems to like devilish sort of character.
- Devilish sort of things, yes.
But Ridley Scott went to him and was like,
I'd like to do a modern, like a modern, like--
- Okay.
- Like, instead of just Hansel and Gretel or whatever,
he wanted to--
- He wanted a fairy tale that was, no one understood.
- Right.
(laughing)
He wanted to do some kind of a fairy tale
and he wanted to remain true to like the Grimm's brothers
where there's, it's not just--
- I mean, I've never read the true Grimm's, is that it?
- They're dark, yes.
- See, I feel like if that was a Grimm's brothers--
- Okay, but wait, so that's what he wanted to do.
And so he went to Hortsburg and Hortsburg wrote
this initial script and Ridley Scott liked it
and Hortsburg was proud of it and they took it
to the studios and they were like, oh my God,
you can't do this, like this is--
- I'm very serious, like there's some shit.
- My favorite quote is the original story
was taken to the studio and the producers nixed it
because of like the sex and darkness
and the producer told Hortsburg,
"You can't have the villain fuck the princess."
So evidently in the first script,
evidently darkness and the princess get together.
- It said it's having a dance off?
- No, it's not a dance off.
It's that thing that you kept saying the whole time
where you kept thinking that Jackie and Lilly
were getting it on and they weren't.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
- They definitely, I don't wanna get it ourselves,
but they definitely, Jackie and Lilly definitely have sex.
No, they don't.
- They're kissing and making out and then it fades to clouds.
- So every person you ever kissed, you have, you fought.
Every one of them.
- That's what they were blind.
- I mean, every person--
- It wasn't quite like Austin and Howard's were like,
"Doesn't Austin Powers or like the missiles come up
"and like the train goes into the tunnel?"
There wasn't none of that.
There were just--
- So Ridley Scott was unhappy.
The story kept getting cut and cut and cut.
- I feel like we're gonna win.
- That's okay, I'm gonna try and finish the exposition
and then we'll tear it apart.
So the original story kept getting pared down
and pared down and pared down
to where the studio was finally like,
"Okay, we can make this."
And then British rights went to universal, I think?
- So they had another--
- 20th Century Fox.
- Had another writing team?
- Like the rights to the movie.
- By the right.
- 20th Century Fox has the rights outside the US
and universal had the rights inside the US.
- So then--
- I'm really getting the production.
- I'm just saying, like this movie
has been butchered six ways to say that.
- Well, you said, we can do the theatrical release,
the TV release, the UK release, what was the other one?
- There's the European theatrical,
there's the European theatrical,
American theatrical theatrical,
the European director's cut,
the American director's cut,
and then there's like a TV version that's so--
- I wonder what they're all probably just as bad.
(all laughing)
- The movie is an hour and a half theatrical,
US theatrical version, hour and a half.
What the hell would you have to cut out to put it on TV?
Two hour slot, I mean--
- I think they're just putting a bunch of commercials
into it 'cause it--
- One of them is like--
- There was no like, maybe some of the weirder imagery.
- And I bet there's a joke, maybe it would be better
if they put a bunch of courses into it.
(all laughing)
- So anyway, back to the--
- I want to see Charmaine, I don't wanna see some--
- Back to the, I mean, the whole thing opens up
where you get this really long spiel
where it kind of explains everything sort of--
- Right, and then we, so we're gonna dive,
let's guess what I mean. - All right, we're gonna dive in.
The script, even as a kid, I knew the script was weak.
Like there was no story there.
- There is a story, there's just not much of a story.
- It's really simple. - There's a lot of fluff.
- Yeah, it's very simplistic and very--
- And it's not explained at all.
- There's no character development yet.
There's no character to development, there's--
- Do you want to go in to the overall story?
Like do you want to go in here?
- You have to watch this thing like three times,
I think, to actually understand--
- The story is, I mean, I can probably do the entire movie.
- I want to see how quickly you can do it.
- I can do it, I got this.
- It's gonna be faster than me faster than me faster than that.
- I don't want it, I don't think we need a whole story.
- No, no, no, no, I'm not saying for her to do it
as short as she can, more like, just tell the story
that it won't be long. - The story is
that Lily shows up in the movie,
you don't know that she, well, okay, she shows up.
She-- - It starts with the fucking dark.
- Okay, it starts with darkness.
You meet darkness, who is Tim Curry, who's amazing.
- All right, so I see it, we'll talk about it.
- He's a bad guy, 'cause he has horns, and a deep boy.
- Well, he looks like the devil, he's--
- That's what I mean, I mean, but beyond that,
you're like-- - And then they're like,
this is darkness. - So he outlines his plan.
Yeah, he outlines his plan.
He's not slimy, Blix is slimy.
- He's sweaty. - He's sweaty.
- Sweaty. - Sweaty.
- He looks like-- - He's not greasy.
- Everybody else is. - No, wait, wait.
Other people are moist and greasy.
Tim Curry, as darkness, he looks a little greasy,
kinda like-- - The Beastmaster?
- No, no, wow, that's damn, all right.
- I don't think he's not greasy.
- He's cold back. - Not that greasy,
but kinda like Rocky and Apollo in Rocky.
- Okay, like he's-- - So homoerotic greasy?
- Ooh! - I mean, for,
if you're in a satan chair, I guess.
(laughing)
- I'm in the devil play.
(laughing)
- Hello, I just, I like a devil play,
and can you do some big warts to fetch?
Are you willing to do five hours of makeup?
- Yeah. - Yeah, it's okay.
(laughing)
- Yeah, we got it.
- So, by the way, as you pointed out,
that's what he-- - Yeah, and Tim Curry
went through five and a half hours of makeup every day.
- It's amazing. - And at one point,
at one point, he actually got so claustrophobic,
he ripped it off, and the spirit gum
took off a bunch of his skin.
So that's why there's some shots of him
where you don't see his face,
and he's just like, "Hey, I'm a throw."
Because Ridley Scott felt awful about-- - No, yeah.
- Yeah, and it was like, "Well, we'll just shoot around this,
"and we'll just-- - Just shoot you as--
"as true darkness." - As an arm. (laughing)
But it actually worked better because it's kinda like, you know--
- It is, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Like, the way he was-- - I didn't notice,
like, I noticed at that point, but I didn't think anything--
- That's why, because Tim Curry-- - Well, it was--
- It played in-- - He had gotten claustrophobic,
and he had to, like, soak to get all the spirit gum off,
and he was just like, "Don't," and so he just ripped it off,
and-- - I just can't believe that they took this--
I don't even got into him anymore.
- Okay, anyway, so-- - So darkness is the bad guy.
- Darkness is the bad guy. - Darkness is the bad guy.
- Right, so darkness is the bad guy, he gives his exposition
about why he wants the unicorns killed,
then we cut to the-- - Does he?
- Yes, he does. You weren't paying attention.
- We can't bring on eternal darkness,
unless the unicorns are dead.
- Well, he needs the horns.
- He needs the horns. - He needs the horns.
- They hold innocence or some shit like that.
- A soul? - Happy power, I don't know.
The power of like this, the power of like--
- They hold the power of the-- - The power of like this.
- And then he needs innocent people, which are Jack and Lily.
- He needs it. - To bring the unicorns out,
so then the his trolls-- - And the voice tells him this, right?
- Golly, whatever.
- The voice he's talking to, darkness is talking to something
in the beginning, and it tells him-- - His father is probably
a devil. - But it tells him this.
- No, that's later.
- Doesn't tell him about the even thing, right?
- No, the very beginning, he's just talking to his--
- Licks. - He's talking to his greasy--
- Okay, his greasy, moist, disgusting--
- Brad, Brad, here's something for you.
- Oh, boy. - Okay.
- Blicks, the greasy goblin person that you don't like.
- Yeah.
- The person that plays him went to Ridley Scott
and said that she wanted her makeup modeled
after Keith Richards' face.
(laughing)
She felt like that was--
- Wait, this is an 85 when they made this?
Holy shit, Keith Richards just held up.
(laughing)
I mean, that's what he looked like then.
- Yeah, she wanted her makeup as Blicks modeled
after Keith Richards and Ridley Scott was like,
that's actually a really good idea.
- Oh, wow. - So there you go.
- Yeah, that's for the joke forever, yeah.
- I was just gonna throw my trivia in there.
Like, every episode would be like,
"Hey, here's something that Brad'll like."
(laughing)
- So, the beginning-- - Brad facts.
- Brad facts. (laughing)
- At the beginning, he talks to this other voice
and figures out he needs to--
- No, he doesn't talk to the police.
- He doesn't talk, he's telling, he's telling--
- I'm really hung up on this.
- All right, y'all stop.
- Yeah, you do it. - Okay, look, okay.
- I don't know what I'm talking about.
- So, we meet darkness.
Darkness talks to his henchmen, Blicks,
and they discuss how they need to make darkness eternal
and get rid of the light that they need
to lure the unicorns, they need innocence to do it,
then we go to the forest, we see Lily, who's--
- Then we see--
- Mary innocent, she's running through the--
I'm not done.
(laughing)
She runs through the forest.
- She goes into a little house and talks with some people
and you find out that she's either a lady
or a princess or some fine person.
- She's saying nothing about her.
There's no expedition--
- She's a beautiful girl, that's all we know.
- Yeah, well, that's what it said.
- Right, well in the European one you find out,
she's a princess, but that's not what we watched.
So then--
- Stick to the script.
- Stick to the script, right?
So then she goes and tries to find Jack,
and we see Jack, who's Tom Cruise,
and they talk and have some time together
and they do not fuck.
- They call it. (laughing)
- Lily decides that she wants to see the unicorns.
Jack takes her to see the unicorns.
- We're on the ring, you forgot about the ring.
- That's after the unicorns, that's after the unicorns.
- Yeah, but we're skipping hand, like, who the fuck,
like all of a sudden, yeah, we're in this darkness,
we're all of a sudden at this house,
this little hut in this forest, it is like crazy forest.
It is, there's nobody else can live in this forest,
but this one family-- - It's a really Scott set,
it's really good. - It is, like,
but there's nobody else around, that's weird,
like, it's not like a town, it's just out,
it is truly a fairytale, it's like other rooms now.
- Like, you stumble upon the one house in the wood.
- Right, but there's like a family that lives there.
- Well, yeah, 'cause it's--
- You only meet, no.
- But she has a husband.
- She has a husband, but you don't see them 'til later.
- And there's a baby.
- You don't see that 'til later either.
- No, you don't see that 'til later, but--
- You just see, no.
- And then there's, so, are those her parents?
- No.
- Why do you say it, so?
Because Lily-- - So confidently.
- Because Lily talks to Nell in the movie,
and Nell talks about how you shouldn't be visiting poor folk
like us, you're a fine lady, you should, you know--
- She said that, and that's maybe the one you want.
- Yes, yeah, I feel like it's this is the kind of thing
where you and I would brad with it to watch it
and work to pick up on some of the subtlety,
so continue, Amanda.
- Okay.
- I think it was maybe the making popcorn.
- Yeah.
- And poor there, that's poor that I had to make popcorn
for these fuckers, and there was a lot of popcorn.
- I didn't need three of them.
Anyway, so then she--
- No, so we're gonna disregard everybody else's version
of this movie, but mine, because y'all were clearly
not paying attention.
- No, no, I mean, I got thumbs up.
- Okay, so then she's-- - I got broad strokes.
- Right, so, again, I left off where
Jack says, "I wanna show you something."
Blindfold Lily, they see the unicorns,
she touches one, which is a forbidden,
which is forbidden. - Who the fuck
says, "I wanna show you something that puts blindfolded."
- Are we gonna finish just telling the audience
about the movie, or are we gonna just get it, okay.
- We're gonna go into like the creepy bit, eh?
(laughing)
- Jack is Tom Cruise.
He is super creepy in this.
He looks dirty, like he squats a lot.
He squats a lot, he's good at squatting.
- Tom Cruise didn't wanna cut his hair at this point
as he never wanted to cut it,
and so Ridley Scott let him just have the long,
uncut hair with the little rat ponytail.
- He probably wasn't that long, I mean, it was like--
- I'm just kidding.
- He cut it for Ridley Scott's brother in like six months.
- Yep, but at that point, he didn't wanna cut his hair.
For speed, yeah, so this is dead just before,
but no, but like he is, Tom Cruise is,
he doesn't talk for like the first, I don't know,
10 minutes he's on screen.
- Yeah.
- It's really strange.
- There's a lot, like I'm gonna say real lack of dialogue
in this movie, and there's a lot of visual stuff,
and then that kind of--
- There's a lot of dialogue except when they model
or story, I mean, or a plot, or what's the other,
what's the other, and--
- I don't know, bro.
- We're missing why this movie was made, I don't know.
- Are you looking for logic in a fairy tale?
- Yes.
- I mean, if they'd said, the scroll, which was again,
a book long, if they'd said, this is a fairy tale,
please like, allow us these--
- Really?
- You really expected this movie to be read.
- Right.
- Well, I didn't say it.
- Listen, movie, legend, genre, fairy tale.
(laughing)
- As soon as the unicorns and fairies and shit
showed up, you didn't realize it was a fairy tale?
- I thought we were talking, I thought--
- I was still waiting for Schwarzenegger to show.
- Right.
(laughing)
- Get to the challenge.
Brad was looking for logic.
(laughing)
So--
- I like logic in all of my fairy tales.
- Okay.
- No, okay, so, all right, I'll let you get back to the,
so Jack shows up to spy.
I find it, I get it when the movie was made,
Titanic, obviously, this is 13, 15 years before Titanic.
I just find, I didn't say Jack, and it's like,
and he's the hero, just like, I kept the whole movie.
- He's the only Jack.
- Yeah, I'm like, I'm waiting for--
- Dicaprio's the only Jack.
- I'm waiting for him to be put out on a piece of wine.
- Well, he did fall into an icy pond
and nearly frees it down.
- He did the almost for us to down.
- Yeah, I mean, so there is that.
- Crossover.
- Yeah, I mean--
- All right, so--
- They're in the same universe, I think.
- So, Lily touches the unicorns,
which is forbidden.
- And Jack tells her not to.
- That she doesn't--
- So he takes her to--
- To see them, to see them.
- He blindfolds her and says, I'm gonna take you to see this.
- Oh no, I'm taking you to see something.
- Yeah, because at this point, we don't know what Jack is,
but we figure out that he can talk to animals.
- Sort of.
- Yeah, because he's got a little bit when the birds come up.
- Well, and also when they first see the unicorns,
he's like, oh, they're pure of thought,
and they have no bad thoughts.
- No, but when they first, when Jack and Lily first meet,
they kind of hit it, they remember all the birds show up.
- Yeah.
- The birds, and then she's like, ooh, that's amazing.
I'm like, what the fuck was amazing?
Like, he didn't do anything.
- No, she says he's clever.
- Okay, I have her.
- This is our second movie with one of the characters
can talk to animals.
- Oh my gosh.
- Are we, are we establishing this trend?
- This is not gonna be the talking to animal book.
- Welcome to Do Little Podcasts.
- Do Little Podcasts.
- This will not be the Do Little Podcasts.
- All right, so, so they see the unicorns.
Lily decides she wants to touch one.
Jack is like, stop it, stop it.
She does it anyway.
Which.
- How many?
- Right, which way, which makes it to where that.
- He really likes it, and he's like, no, don't stop it.
- Which makes it to where the goblins can shoot
one of the unicorns, chop it's horn off,
and things go bad.
- Is that what they're at?
- They're in charge of snow.
- Yeah, because as soon as--
- How did the touching make a difference?
'Cause I thought they were just luring the unicorns out.
- No, it was, when she touched it,
it was, the whole thing is--
- It lowered a shield.
- Can I, can I ask this?
- Yeah, I feel like, yeah, when she touched it,
all of a sudden, like, he could see it,
and he could show other people what was there,
but I feel like none of the other people could see it.
- As soon as she touched, oh, okay, I never thought of that.
- I thought, that's the way I'd interpret it.
- Okay.
- Certainly wasn't clear.
(laughing)
- And this is totally, this is totally just
a bad thing, but I feel like, as soon as she touched,
she obviously never was like--
- The bad guys can see him.
- Everybody can see him.
- Oh, okay.
- Because she wasn't, I don't feel like she was,
like, he, Jack was a purianist, and so he knew about it.
- Well, no, they needed her.
They actually said it would be,
they needed her to lure them out.
- Well, they're not--
- Well, they're not gonna--
- They're a shield.
- Yes. - Oh, God, can't believe I said that.
- So, like, our next podcast will be comparing
and contrasting Star Trek to leisure.
(laughing)
- To the Bible, to Peace Master.
(laughing)
- All right, so--
- No, I'll do that here.
- The unicorn gets shot, the unicorn gets shot,
they chop his horn off.
Winter, like, the clouds start--
No, no, not Winter yet, the clouds start.
Jack tells Lily, you did a bad thing,
and she's like, I just wanted to touch it,
then they go and talk some more.
She throws her ring into the water,
and says, she'll marry whoever finds the ring.
He jumps in to find the ring,
and then eternal winter starts.
There's six feet of ice in the boat.
- Those are completely separate events.
They weren't expecting, I mean, they didn't know
the unicorn had had the horn chopped off of this boat.
- Right, they didn't know that.
- And then she touched it, and then he pulled it away,
and they left, and then the unicorn--
- And then the big, bad guys came in and got it.
- Yeah.
- It's like they watched it be like,
hey, do you wanna go over here and talk?
- Yeah, that looks bad.
Let's go over here and talk by the water.
- Let's get away from the bad things.
- Yeah, so-- - So then winter--
- How do I marry you?
Like, what's the deal here, like?
- So then, so he dies in to find the ring.
Can't find the ring.
He tries to get out of the water.
There's like six feet of ice.
Oh, that's probably like six inches of ice.
He came bust through.
Lily's gone.
Then we meet these random fairy people with,
like Jack falls asleep in the, I know,
Jack falls asleep in the snow.
- It's just what I--
- And then like--
- The kids with the auto-tune boys show up.
- Then the fairy people show up, and--
- So they don't know each other,
but now they do, yeah.
- And it's like they apparently know each other.
- No, they didn't.
That's the whole thing.
He introduces, I'm Honey Thor and Gump at your service.
- He does say that, but he knows who Jack is.
Jack has no idea who he is.
'Cause he's like, we are, he says something
like, we are the same, or we are--
- And brothers are I.
- Something like that.
- So-- - Some bull, bull shit.
- Things have been very conveniently
throughout this entire-- - It's a deus ex machina.
(laughing)
- So then-- - They're all ready
to fight for the--
- For the universe. - For the universe, yeah.
- Because-- - Yeah.
- That's what you do.
- I mean, that's, I know, I mean--
- I mean, hey, every, doesn't every have their eight people,
their universe fighting people?
- I mean, there's three of us right here.
- I got mine.
- And my ex.
- And my-- (laughing)
- My, whoa.
- All right, so--
- Yeah, fellowship of the ring, this was not.
- Right?
Okay, but my whole thing where I was talking about
like my nostalgia watching it is that
before this movie, I don't know that there was
something of this grand scale that was fantastic.
- This is grand?
- There was Beastmaster. - This is seriously, seriously.
Yeah, this, the epic scale, like Beastmaster had epic stuff.
This all looked like, I could've filmed this in my basement.
- It wasn't very, it was obviously a lot of it, yes.
- Really?
- Very subtle. - Because the set burned
to the ground before they could use it.
- Okay, well, they could've rebuilt the set
or used something. - They spent, okay,
they spent $10 million building a set
in Pinewood Studios in Britain
and it burned to the ground.
So they weren't gonna be like, hey,
can somebody just throw us another 10 mill easy
and we're just gonna rebuild all the shit?
- That was a theme throughout the movie,
it was supposed to be kind of this real big world,
but everything did seem very, very, very--
- Yeah, and the, I mean-- - It was, that was--
- I told you, there was just shit that happened
all through the production.
- They could've just pulled the shot out, you know.
- There was none of that.
There were no leaks-- - Everything was--
- Now I think about it, yeah, they were really--
- They-- - Hey, no, no, no,
I'm just pointing it out.
- It'd be like if the Forest of Fandorn burned to the ground.
- The only shots they pulled out
were the two diving scenes.
When we dived into the-- - It was interesting.
- They dove in the ring, dived in.
We dove in the ring-- - But you know why that looks
at the way it did?
Because they were still on a really small set
because they had to throw it together really quickly.
That wasn't Tom Cruise jumping in,
that was Ridley Scott's son.
- He's six inches tall, so yeah, it looks like--
- But he had a son that his daughter doubled
as Lily and Jack so that it looked bigger.
- Hmm, he did what he-- - He did what he--
- How long was the sun? - I didn't look that up.
- It's a nice dive, I couldn't do it.
- That's a big, I mean, I was a big jump and be like,
"Hey boy, jump in the water.
"Dad, he needs to make a movie."
- Put these green rags on and jump in this water.
(laughing)
- All right, so where did we leave off?
So now we met the fairy people.
I'm trying to give a quick-- - It's snowing
and there are fairy people who are suddenly there
to help Jack. - And so then,
Jack is gonna go fix the problem by rescuing the unicorn
but then he finds out that Lily got taken,
and you know what, you don't need the rest of it.
They go, darkness has the unicorn and Lily
and he's gonna make eternal darkness
and then Jack and the fairies.
(laughing)
- But then darkness suddenly falls in love with Lily.
- Lily is a lot like-- - That's true.
- Yeah, he falls, but there's a lot of them.
A lot of it is Jack and his people trying to get,
I guess it's like an adventure, they're trying to save Lily,
but they don't really set that up.
- Yeah. - Really, there is no setup.
I mean, there's a brief moment
where they have the guys running with the net
and they capture the second unicorn.
- And Lily. - But they don't show that.
- That's true. - Well she kinda has that.
- She's right there with the,
and so you have to assume that.
But they don't show that, and then all of a sudden then,
the other people are on this quest to save them,
but they don't say that.
Like they need to like-- - And they didn't have weapons
so they go to get weapons, but then they barely ever use
the weapons, yeah. - And the fairies can't go
in the cave where the weapons are,
are we actually wanting-- - Yeah, and after you see them.
- But then who goes in? - A lot, a lot, I feel like
I need a little scroll to tell them, you need a narrator.
- Right, that's what you need, like a voice over guy.
- No, the voice over guy will be like,
"And now Jack needs to know."
- Oh, it's like the super friends,
where they tell you like even a blind person could watch it.
- Aw. - Meanwhile.
- Meanwhile. - Meanwhile, the wonder twins.
But yeah, that's the thing, that's a really good point
where Lily sees the unicorn get taken,
and then all of a sudden she's running through
what we described as a giant underground chess set.
And you don't even know where she is,
and it's all in slow motion.
You're like, "Okay, well this is dark,
"so I guess it's bad, but where the hell is she?"
- She is captured in the worst prison ever.
Like they capture-- - Well no, but see--
- You go hang out in this-- - Just go run,
ask, yeah. - But see,
that's the thing, Brad, you missed the part
where Darkness is talking to the fire,
which is his father or the devil or something,
and the father says-- - Oh no, I don't know if I missed it.
- Yeah, I don't know if I missed it.
I don't know if I missed it.
- So then Darkness is supposed to set her free
and bring her to him to try and seduce her.
- What?
- Darkness, wait, wait, wait, wait, okay, hold on.
- Why? - Why?
- Because Darkness is infatuated with her.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait. - Why?
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. - Wait, wait, wait, wait.
- What did you just-- - Darkness is setting up--
- I'm only putting these questions to you, Amanda,
because you've seen the movie more than once.
- Wait, I'm so confused right now.
You're saying darkness is supposed to release Lily--
- From a prison. - From a prison.
- And lead her to him where he is in his--
- To him who?
- Darkness. - Back to himself?
- Okay, he put her-- - 'Cause where that used to be.
- Okay, I'm assuming too, he put her in, I don't know,
a cage, a shed, an out building.
I don't know something. - I'm sorry,
the way he's phrased it that you said,
I think you said was darkness was supposed to lead,
he was talking to his dad to fire.
- Right. - And he said--
- And his dad said, set her free and bring her to you.
- Oh, to you, okay, that's right.
I thought he was trying to seduce her to get to dad.
Was there a reason?
- Because he's infatuated with her and her,
his father, who's the fire or the devil,
is like, this is the way you're gonna trap her.
- Okay, but if you-- - But what does he game?
- That's what I was gonna say, if you look past,
how do he suddenly become infatuated with her?
- Right. - What's the end game?
What's-- - He wants her forever
at every event. - Just because she's pretty?
- Maybe? - Or she can--
- She's pure, can she get-- - Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, there's a lie.
Stop, there's a lie where the darkness is talking
to his father and his father, the fire, the devil,
whatever, says she fascinates you
because her soul is pure.
So he wants to take something good and turn it bad.
- Just because? - Well, I mean,
he's darkness.
- Right, I can't-- - Okay, I'll give you that,
but okay, I guess I just-- - I'm not defending
this fridge at all. - No, no, no, I'm not asking
you to, I'm just trying to-- - No, no, no, no, no, no.
I am just truly-- - Yeah, I will defend
certain parts of this movie because as a kid,
I really liked it, like visually-- - Which parts?
- The dance scene, I really liked it.
- So, back to-- - Okay, sorry.
- No, no, no, 'cause we're almost there.
She's running-- - The dance scene,
it makes it sound like jazz hands.
- Like, this movie has nothing going on.
- I know, really bad. - There's really not much to it.
- But-- - Space master was like long
at long at shit. - She's running through
the giant-- - The chest sacrifice?
- She's running through the giant chest set.
She winds up in a room that's, I don't know,
it's got a fireplace-- - It's got the big fire,
which is dead. - And some jewelry.
- And some jewelry. - The big fire,
which is-- - What, okay, I think I have a question
before I wrote that one. - Ooh, Brad has notes.
I have no one with notes, you don't have notes.
- No, we're not there yet, we're not there yet,
we haven't got there yet. - So, she's been sent loose
in this dark realm of darknesses-- - She's in a box,
and there's some jewelry. - And there's that weird,
creepy guy sitting on the fucking table.
- I don't know what that is. - What the fuck?
- I don't know, it's some little dude,
I don't know what he is. - Sorry, this is webcam,
I don't know. - Yeah, but it's like
a little-- - He's like watching her.
- He is sort of a kabuki look to his face.
- It's like a jerry. - No, not that one.
- No, he's-- - Oh, so the thing with wings?
Here's another piece of trivia, it's in the swamp.
- No, we haven't got it right yet. - No, we haven't got it right yet.
- Anyway, the thing with wings is a set piece
from the exorcist. - That's a matter,
we can go maybe-- - It's from the exorcist,
it's pretty cool. - But my point was,
she gets to the room with the fire-- - No, I don't say that
as a matter, absolutely. - No, I would say that's pretty cool.
- No, I would say in the order of the script,
we can go back and forth, because it doesn't fucking matter
because it's so fucked up. - She gets to the room with the fire,
she sees all the jewelry, she becomes somewhat infatuated
with it because she's a girl, I guess, right?
- I guess. - And then the dress comes out,
and you can't see anybody in it, so--
- There's somebody in here, right?
- Well, there's a person in it-- - I mean, obviously,
there's a person making a dance, like for the movie,
but I don't know if it's supposed to be like,
the dress is dancing on its own,
and then suddenly she's wearing it.
- See, that was always my favorite part of the--
- Yeah, but I just wanted to get to that. - That dress?
- It's almost like the dress is dancing at her time too.
- Yeah, it's so much more sense than what it was like.
I was like, okay, so we're the person, yeah.
- Yeah, you never see a face or anything,
and all of a sudden she's in it. - But we are watching it
years later, I'm sure it's been converted to HD.
We're watching it and being screened, and it's like,
oh, there's totally a person in that dress.
Like, what happened to her?
- Yeah, yeah. - But--
- It's supposed to be like-- - It's back in it,
yeah, we're watching-- - That was my take on it.
- On our CRT TV that's 20 inches, I'm sure we're like,
my that dress is dancing by itself.
I get that-- - So, yeah.
- That makes so much more sense.
- That's it. - And then they merge.
- I will argue-- - And that's the scene you like.
- I have always loved that scene.
It's better with the original score
than it is with the Tangerine Dream Score.
- What did you like about--
- Well, the Tangerine Dream Score is the one
that you saw originally. - Yes, and the thing is,
I do have a fondness for that.
- Right, but what was it about that scene that you like?
- You can't just say shit like that and not explain it to me.
People will listen to her, they're like,
what the fuck is that, right?
Well, and I'm one of them.
(laughing)
- For the 10 people that are listening.
- Okay, there-- - Well, I'll be the one.
I'll speak for the 10.
- The theatrical release in the United States,
they took the original score that was written
that was a lot more like John Williams style,
very classic, you know, like it--
- Instrumental. - Instrumental.
And decided that American audiences
were too stupid to appreciate it
and took the '80s electronic band and took--
- It was the '80s, I remember.
- Yeah, and put Tangerine Dream Score in instead of--
- John Williams, don't-- - Yeah.
- Didn't a Blade Runner have kind of a weird sort of--
- But not like that. - Electronicus,
'cause we're not quite like that, but--
- But the reason that, I mean,
there was a totally different reason that it had that.
- No, I'm not saying that the--
- Okay, but it wasn't an-- - It wasn't an--
- It wasn't like-- - It wasn't like--
- Only bad movies. - I'm gonna get angry.
- No, it wasn't that only bad movies had
electronic scores. (laughing)
That wasn't it.
- Okay.
- It was used all the time, so--
- But to get back to it, like, I, dear listeners,
I studied dance for a while, and so for me,
I really liked that scene because the symbolism
wasn't lost on me.
Like, I really liked that idea of like the dance dressing
and like just-- - The dress dancing, I think.
- Like the way it was put together.
- I guess, I guess. - That it was like a--
- See, it seems it's a better scene now
than I know there wasn't supposed to be somebody in it.
- When I'm watching, I'm like, there's somebody in it
and then where the fuck does she go?
- It's, yeah. - I got it.
- So I really, like, and I liked the dancing part.
I liked the, it's just the idea of it seducing her,
but not intersecting, like just like becoming part of her
and then like the flash where she is, like, sorry,
me and Sarah, Lily is suddenly in the dress
and then dancing alone.
I just really liked that scene.
I still, I would argue that that scene holds up.
- To like what I remember.
Like I remember being really, really fond of it
and then just seeing it again.
I, it's still a really solid scene.
- Can we get to where all of a sudden they're on the quest?
Like, I'm like-- - Sorry.
Brock asked me about what happened like that.
- I understand why she ain't on it,
but I'm saying like, all of a sudden in this movie,
they just all of a sudden boom, we're on a quest.
We gotta find the armor, we gotta--
And they don't really see any--
- And the one of the little fairy guys go,
he's like, we gotta do this.
And now you're the hero and we gotta get you some weapons.
Let's go.
- Yeah, there's only four of us.
So let's see.
- Let's go.
- Gump was the kid with the auto-tune voice, right?
- Yes.
- And then they have the, they have Tinkerbell.
- Uda.
- Who just shows up.
Oh, we gotta get to that scene.
- God.
(laughing)
- That scene, like fuck that.
I mean, I see--
- How old is it that we take these movies that do seem
really simplistic and it takes us,
Jesus, we're at the 37 minute mark now.
- That's it?
- Jesus.
- And we're not even, we're like halfway through the movie.
So please continue.
- I really wanna get through the movie.
So there's a scene where darkness seduces Lilly
through gifts and things and then that's what the point
of that is.
- I thought that's way further like--
- I feel like we're going at the 37 mark
because Brad keeps wanting to talk about every moment.
- Wow, I do like that.
- I was trying to get through the whole movie
and then we were gonna pick it apart.
Or we could just, you know what, we'll just keep--
- That's what we're doing.
- We're already picking it apart, so.
- Keep going.
- So then Lilly--
- I'll be quiet for a minute.
(laughs)
- I'm not gonna say that.
- What I'm gonna do now.
- I'm done speaking now.
- I'm gonna do this there so I'm gonna shut up for a minute.
- You stand like my father.
- Because I've been asked not to speak anymore so.
This is me not speaking.
- I'm not gonna say anything.
This is me not talking.
- All right, so Lilly ends up in the dress.
Darkness comes through the mirror.
She's confronted with Tim Curry as the devil,
which is amazing.
And the movie was nominated--
- That's not the devil.
- He looks like the devil, I said.
The movie was nominated for an Oscar
for Best Makeup in 1987 and in '86,
it was nominated for three BAFTA's,
which is like the, yeah.
For Best Costume was my Best Makeup artist and best--
- What?
- I said for the listeners, you can explain what a BAFTA is.
I know what a BAFTA is, but--
- You should explain it.
You like to talk.
(laughs)
- What's a BAFTA brand?
- It's the other, it's the British.
- British?
- It's the British, yeah.
- So it was nominated for a BAFTA for special--
- Did you explain it?
- Best special vision, but I know, right?
Really?
That's about it.
- It's a British, yeah.
- It's the British, it's the British Academy Awards.
- Yeah, right.
- I mean, but so wait, wait, wait,
but the BAFTA was the year later?
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Have you said it released?
Why, why would you--
- It was, I know, I don't know why.
But-- - No matter.
- So the point here is that--
(sighs)
Tim Curry.
(laughs)
He's like doing cocaine over there.
- So you can go blow your nose?
(laughs)
- So it's the 80s, yeah.
- Yeah, he knows.
- So, so Tim Curry shows up, he's amazing.
He went all in on this part.
Like he decided, you know what, fuck it.
If I'm gonna have to be in this movie
and they're gonna cut it up like this,
I'm gonna go complete and total balls to the wall.
And he did, I mean, you guys have to admit that.
The movie was terrible.
But, (laughs)
but come on, Tim Curry was really good.
- Wait, so you're admitting the movie was terrible?
- Yeah, I mean, the movie was,
the script was--
- I didn't say that, yeah.
- Okay, well, the script--
- I have no idea. - How about,
the movie's not terrible.
This script is-- - Crocs playing game plus fun,
he's already so bored.
- No, no, no, look it up something.
- Looking up a bathtub?
- No. (laughs)
- If I get to it, I'll tell you.
- A rafta?
- All right, so then, what, we've got,
Lily's in the dress, darkness comes--
- I'm distracted now, I'm gonna watch him--
- Darkness comes through the mirror,
Lily's confronted with this devil looking guy,
they have the altercations,
and then we cut to the quest all the sudden,
like we're back to the quest,
they're running through some swamp,
going to the Great Tree,
which we've never heard of,
but we're supposed to know what it is.
And then-- - That's not that weird
to have that in a quest kind of movie,
but it's just-- - It's so disjointed
to begin with that you're kind of like,
where are we now? - Right, right,
all of a sudden they're like,
we're on the quest to save her,
it's not like they didn't show darkness
taking her to the Great Tree.
- Or even the goblins taking her to the Great Tree,
somebody, yeah, she's just over there.
- Yeah, they're shipping a little,
oh, we have to go, they're saying,
just say like, listen, Jack, you're the chosen one now,
we need to take you, the Great Tree
is where everyone is-- - There you go.
That's all I need to say, it was like a two-liner.
- I know. - And they were like,
oh, this makes sense. - But again,
to be fair, this is not the movie
that Ridley Scott wanted, they cut it apart,
that we saw what Universal thought we could watch.
- I had to know who beat this movie
for Best Makeup in 1987. - Oh, okay.
- The Fly. - Oh.
- Oh, oh, it's like-- - Well, I mean,
that's Cronenberg, right?
- What? - Cronenberg?
- With the Fly. - With the Goldblum.
- Yeah. - I'll get that, yeah.
- I'll give him that, yeah.
- I mean, that was-- - That was creepy.
Anyway, we're gonna, we can't touch, we--
- Anyway, I don't know, I didn't even know that.
- So now we're gonna talk about the Fly.
- No. - With the Great Movie.
- Which is the Great Movie,
instead of this garbage we're gonna watch,
we're-- - 'Cause he wasn't
a great movie. - Uh-huh.
- We'll find out later.
- Yeah, so we'll find out. - We'll find out.
- I remember, I remember liking it, but--
- I do remember, like, actually,
I remember being really freaked out.
- It was gross. - Yeah.
- Like, ooh, it was, but--
- But-- - To me.
- Okay.
- Are we gonna, we need to-- - Side bar,
'cause it's side bar to the fly.
- Like, I feel like that was like a twilight.
It was like, it wasn't, it was a full movie.
It should've been like a twilight zone.
- It was too long. - Episode.
- All right, but we need to stop.
- Yeah, sorry. - But it was a remake.
It was a remake of a movie, it was almost as long.
- All right. - No, no, no, no.
- All right, so we're gonna stop.
So we're back in the swamp.
They're gonna go say Lillie and the--
- Have a fly, sir.
- No, no, no.
They're gonna go say Lillie and the unicorn and--
- They probably get captured.
- The doctor shows up. (laughs)
- Oh, we don't know what's him, yeah.
- Do they get captured?
- Yeah, remember like, fall down the hole
and then they're in the cage-- - They fall down the hole
and they're in the cage. - And they're in the cage,
with the other eye. - Worst rescue ever.
I mean, really, they--
- They pull on the bones
and then the whole thing falls down.
- Okay, I missed that part.
I missed, wait, wait, we didn't even talk about
the part where the guy, the one guy has like,
he takes out, he's like pretending to be a bad guy
and he takes his helmet off.
- We haven't gotten there yet.
That's when they fall into the cage.
- No. - Yes, it is.
- He's already in the cage. - Yeah.
- Yeah, but they don't know that he's not really a bad guy
until they fall into the cage. - Yes, but he already,
they already, no, he reveals himself up top
and the one guy grabs him and says,
I'm gonna throw you instead of--
- He didn't reveal himself.
What he said was he was gonna take the horn
and he was in power now.
- Right, right. - And then like,
the mummy like, grab him and jump himself.
- You saw he was just a stupid bad guy.
- Right, but he's a bad guy.
- Yeah, but he's not. - And the mummy grabs him
and just like, instead of just throwing him in the pit,
he's like, we're both going down and we're both jumping.
That's the weirdest thing I've ever seen.
- He's jumping the fucking hole together.
He's like, ah, you're gonna be too hard to--
- It was a pointless scene, except that later on,
he shows up as not a bad guy. - And he's up, yeah.
- Other than that, it was like,
why did they even have that scene?
You know, she's like flashing the unicorn horn,
like a wand, shooting stuff.
- Oh, blicks. - Blicks, yeah.
- Yeah, because she was-- - Again, it was just pointless.
- They were bad guys, but they were gonna,
we didn't even talk, they were gonna take over,
but then, then "Darkness" comes in as like,
give me that fucking horn, and they're like,
"Oh shit, that's all right, we gave it for you,"
instead of, they were really gonna try to take over.
- Yeah. - But it was just
such a pointless scene. - Got it, it's gonna be--
- It was just-- - There's something dumb layers.
- It was just a dumb scene, yeah, they show up.
- Are you saying it's a bad onion?
- It is a rotten spoon on you.
- Bad layers. - Yeah.
- So, personal note, I pulled out some stuff
from my pantry the day, and my onions,
which I hadn't looked at in a while,
had like four foot, or like, the four foot, like, I don't know.
- Two and a half feet.
- Two and a half feet, stocks come back in the bag,
and I was like, "Whoopsie!"
- Don't wait for them!
- Whoopsie!
(laughing)
- The bulbs have germinated, yeah, so--
- That's what this movie's like.
- Oh. - And you just left
in the pantry, feel all of them.
(laughing)
- And they're growing weird shit.
- They're growing weird shit.
And you don't want to peel back,
you don't want to peel back the layers,
because it's all-- - You just want to
throw it all away. - Oh my God.
This movie, I just, it's so--
- I love that y'all have never seen it,
and that this was your first video.
- It just wasn't a lot there.
- No! - There is.
- It's so slow-- - The only reason that this--
- There's a lot of fucking glitter, God,
that everybody on the crew must have been covered in glitter.
- Tom's crews are still taking glitter out of his hair.
- They're all like, I know honey, that's not,
I didn't go to strip club, that's what I,
that's what I filmed legit, that was an 85.
Yeah, I know, that's what I filmed legit.
- Have you ever messed with glitter?
Glitter does not mess that, yeah.
- I feel like we could have done a real quick,
I was gonna do a real quick synopsis.
- Well, I mean, we're nearly there, finish it up.
- So, okay, so-- - They fall down
and do a cage. - All the fairies
and Jack fall into a cage, and the other bad guy
is there, who's really not a bad guy.
- This is the dumbest part of the movie, okay.
- And then they're trying to get out,
and the little tiny fairy who's like a little Tinkerbell dot
reveals that she's actually able to become a big fairy,
and they want to send her out to get a key.
She won't do it unless Jack kisses her,
and then she uses fairy glamour
to look like his girlfriend Lily, and he won't kiss her.
- And he still wants to, like an idiot.
He's rather just let them all die, and then go.
- Well, he kissed her on the cheek,
and she was like, call that a kiss, she wanted like a kiss.
Like Brad was like, "Sleeper the dog."
- Stop at a time, you're in fucking, you're in prison.
You, if you have to, you go fucking full on.
You fuck that fairy.
You just go at it, you fuck the fairy.
- You just go full Charles Mason, just enjoy it.
- She was not, I would have fucked that fairy
together. - But she wasn't even
asking for that, that's the thing.
- Yes, she wasn't asking for that.
She wasn't asking for that.
- She was 20, so.
- He was 20.
- The actress.
- Oh, I was like, what?
Did they mention that the fairy was 20 in the movie?
- No, no, no, sorry.
Just because it was like--
- I don't do underage fairies.
(laughing)
- I have stinger.
I'm Jack of the floor, so I don't do it.
- I don't mess around with underage fairies,
but apparently I like 'em legal.
- Jack's thing was that that would somehow--
- He'd be impure.
- And tarnish his love.
- If he kissed, if he, French kissed essentially,
the fairy somehow slown would not like him anymore.
- It's a Scientology thing, isn't it?
- Oh my god, this is stupid.
- God, this movie is so dumb.
- All right, so where are we, where are we now?
- I hope we're at the fucking end.
- The fairy, despite not getting a kiss, actually--
- She doesn't have any way, she doesn't have any way.
- No, so many way.
- She's a good fairy.
Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
- She was kind of a bitch about it, she was like--
- I mean, yeah, fucking I'm not gonna do it,
and then she left, and then she came back anyway,
and was like, you know what these guys,
I mean like, that was a dick.
It was a bitch move on her part to be like, kiss me,
and then it was a dick move on his part to be like--
- I mean, it was kind of sexual harassment,
it'd be like, I won't do it unless you kiss me.
- I don't think in prison that counts.
(laughing)
- Nothing counts in prison.
- You'd be lucky enough to have that to kiss me.
- You're lucky enough to have that decision.
- Yeah, it was like, hey, I want you to toss my salad
where you're going to kiss me.
Boy, if I toss my salad, I think you'd go what I mean.
- All right, so that happens--
- Oh my goodness, maybe so dumb, so dumb.
- So that happens in them, they get out,
they come up with a plan to use chargers
to reflect light, to kill darkness.
- Wait, what?
- The charger, yeah, you're called them chargers
because it's not in shape, it's not in shape.
- They were not-- - The crockpot
is for cooking all day.
- Okay, yeah, so they're rating the--
- Pantry.
- The dining hutch of Satan,
and instead of taking plates, they're taking chargers,
which I mean, some people want to put chargers
to the plates that go under the plates at a formal table setting,
and they're rating these.
- I love that you know that.
- And the dwarfs are throwing them to one another.
We have to watch like five minute montage
of them throwing one to the other.
- It was like, disc golf or whatever.
- Disc golf, yeah.
- And finally, they set it up at the end
where the one gets hit in the face with it,
which was like, okay, we can kind of--
- Which made noise, and then the big bad guys
woke up and-- - And that's right,
that's right.
- But they have, they're chargers, that's what they are.
And then they set these things up.
I mean, I like it too, but it's pretty, it's so dumb.
- I just need to put a quick shout out for my brother,
which nobody else will get, but I'm gonna do it anyway.
Highness all, there you go.
One of the big, one of the big, stupid guys says that,
and Tyler and I always tried to figure out
what the fuck he was saying.
One of the big, the big hokey guys.
And I'm like, what, like, we couldn't ever figure that out,
so if anybody out there can, just please tell me--
- We're gonna know when John Amos comes in
and other straps and saves the day.
That's what we should do, we should take these two movies
and mix them up. - I like it.
- A super cut, a super cut up.
- Legend of the Beast Mask.
- So they use light-- - Part three.
- Darkness is gonna kill the unicorn.
Lily says that she wants to kill the unicorn,
but it's a ploy so she can set the unicorn free.
- And he just believes her.
- Yeah, totally loser.
- He's totally hooked on the tee.
I mean, like-- - He is a slave to the--
- He's an immortal kind of super being,
and yet he just-- - He is totally the bully
that hasn't got laid yet, and the one pretty girl
is showing him a little bit, and he's like,
"Okay, whatever, baby, I'll do whatever you want."
- Don't you say that about Tim Curry?
- Not Tim Curry, I'm sure. (laughing)
So anyway, I mean, do we really just want to jump
and say they basically kill darkness at that point?
- Yeah, they kill darkness.
- We're flexing light off of-- - Everything's five.
- 40 dishes or whatever. - They use all those charges
to take the sun's rays and shoot 'em at darkness.
- The sun is setting.
- He falls between two walls into space.
- Space. - Oh, it's great.
- It was very alien.
- Blast that bitch right out of the air.
- And the airlock-- - The airlock.
- The airlock is pulled, and then they do--
- And then Jack shows it-- - Jack shows it.
She's all the sudden, and her pretty dress.
Jack jumps in the water, finds the ring,
puts it on Lily, kisses her,
everything's cool.
- Yeah, 'cause she's under some kind of trance.
- Spell. - Spell, spell, whatever.
- All right, so--
- And then they run off into the sunset,
and the little people are all waving at them,
and it's-- - So that's the movie.
- 'Cause that sunset is like--
- Brock. - Yes.
- There was something that you said
while we were watching it that you were like,
"This is my major issue with the movie."
I was like, "The script."
You're like, "No." (laughing)
- My major issue with the movie was that
I didn't give two shits about any of the characters.
- There was no character development.
- I just didn't care.
- You know, you're told in the beginning,
Jack and Lily are pure.
These unicorns have this.
He's the bad guy.
- I disagree with that.
- I didn't care about any of these.
- Really?
- I was kind of hoping Lily would survive
so she could date Paris.
- Well, that's true.
(laughing)
But seriously, I mean, really, that was my biggest thing.
- No, I didn't even see--
- I could have cared less what happened.
- Yeah. - I have no investment
in any of these characters.
- If halfway through, if darkness and everything
all blew up, you'd be like, "Ah, all right,
the movie's over, early, I can go now."
- So you were asking me the things that I really loved
about it when I was a kid.
The scene with the dancing dress,
we'll just call it that.
- Did you pull for Lily?
Were you like, "I don't really love Lily."
- Every single time I watched this,
I loved Tim Curry.
Like, I want a darkness to tell a lot.
- You see, that's a sign of a bad movie.
- Right, it's the opposite.
- Yeah, you shouldn't, like, that's a bad--
- That's a bad villain.
- Or a bad hero, since he's not a bad villain.
- Because if you look at all the characters--
- Everybody wants the villain.
- Which one of the characters did you--
- Did you personally like the most?
That you identified with, but which one would you say,
like, if I was gonna watch this movie again,
I would be anticipating that person?
- I didn't like any of them.
- It's deafening, I think.
- Tim Curry, really, I thought he was so--
- No, it's not that he wasn't good.
- You made me watch this again.
- Like, we're gonna sit down,
we're gonna watch the British theatrical release.
- I would say you owe me some money.
(laughing)
- I would say that Tim Curry's character
was the most interesting.
- Okay. - Sure, okay.
- There we go, that's what it means.
- Okay, I think he was stupid.
- Yeah, he was stupid.
And he couldn't use a sword.
- No.
- I mean, it's like his horns were making
his weight distribution a little weird.
- He could swing a sword at a rock a lot
and then make it a spark, but--
- But as a kid, I really, I was just fascinated with--
- Back to my--
- All right, now we're gonna tear it apart.
All right, let's go.
- Are we gonna go all the way through again?
- No, we're just gonna go.
- No, but so, remember the scene where they're in the,
they're in darkness is layered, all that.
And then-- - Who's they?
- I guess good guys, the troll, the goblins and--
- Like the goblins were the bad, Jack--
- Jack and the forest folk.
- Wherever the fuck they were, I guess.
- It sounds like a band.
- It's like a band.
- Yeah, Jack and the berries.
- The bad guys were moist and the good guys
were less moist. - So the less moist guys.
- They were more hairy.
- They were all in there and they're having a fight
and then the-- - A fight with Jack?
- They pulled the guy, they pulled the one guy
who was the bad guy, pretending to be the bad guy,
but then began to hear, or was the good guy
and they pulled him out of the pie.
- Yeah. - Remember that part?
- Yeah.
- We didn't even talk about that.
So they pull a fucking guy out of a pie.
They literally, it's a pie and they cut the cross
off the top, open it up and then pull a full guy
with some-- - Yeah, 'cause he's yelling,
'cause he's like, "Let me out, let me out."
- It hasn't been baked yet.
- Yeah, it hasn't been baked yet.
And then they start, then they're doing that
and then all of a sudden, whoever it is,
the chefs, I guess, are coming after them,
they start fighting.
- Kind of fall, yeah.
- And then they dump the big vat of soup.
- Uh-huh.
- My question is, who the fuck was eating that?
What's all that food for?
There aren't-- - Darkness.
- 1,000 people, does he, he's ripped.
- He's a soup guy?
(laughing)
- He's a soup guy?
I'm curious, rip in this.
He didn't strike me as a soup guy.
(laughing)
- Well, no, he's ripped and they are not,
they are not eating that much.
It is a cauldron this time, six foot tall.
It is my height.
They dump out over of soup.
- It's bounce.
- And it kills the two bad guys?
- It kills two bad guys.
- Or scalds them and misses the various--
- It kills at least one bad guy.
That's how much soup, it's like a--
- Death by soup.
- It is a waterfall or a tidal wave of soup.
And I'm like, my question, the one question,
I was like, who the fuck's eating that?
Who are they cooking for?
There's only like eight people in this whole movie.
- Yeah.
- For good, half or more.
(laughing)
So who's eating it?
- I don't know.
- See, again, a week, there's another week.
- They cook for the whole week?
- There's another weakness of darkness.
If that is in fact for him,
what kind of a villain who's like super natural
in these that much food?
(sighing)
- And your big problem was just why--
- I didn't give a shit.
- Yeah, and you were--
(laughing)
- I just didn't care.
- And why is he so infatuated with her?
- I thought there was no chemistry between--
- No.
- Lily and Jack.
- No.
- And we had to be told--
- He was so Ferris.
- We had to be told in the beginning
that they're in love with each other.
- Right.
- Yeah, how does he suddenly,
darkness suddenly fall for her after first meeting her?
- Well, I mean--
- To that degree, to that degree.
He's not a human.
- I don't think he--
- No, he is.
It says he's mortal.
- I don't think he falls for her.
- That's not the same.
- Well, I guess he does.
That exists in the story.
- He says he's infatuated with her.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought you meant Jack was not mortal.
- No, no, no, darkness.
- I think he really falls for when she puts
that fucking dress on.
- Right?
- I mean, that dress--
- But he feels really false for her?
- I don't know.
- That dress-- - Brad, see, good scene.
Good scene.
- Yeah, that is.
- When you can, I mean, like--
- So we can see almost everything there.
- The main, yeah, the main characters have no chemistry.
Darkness is an idiot.
- Yeah.
- I mean, he's just, he's like a bad human villain
wrapped in a scary devil looking, whatever he is.
- With Tim Troy's--
- With Tim Troy's ways.
- Yeah, and then the final way they destroy him is weak.
And the whole time through him, just like, whatever.
- Don't care.
- I just didn't care.
I think it could, I think it was--
- So the interesting thing is that--
- There was a potential for a good story.
- All they do is rewrite the whole script
and cast different people.
And this movie was great.
- See, why am I--
- And they did that.
It was called Fellowship of the Ring.
- My opinion is that if the studio had supported
both Ridley Scott and Shortsburg's vision
and stopped tampering with it and cutting it
and changing it and all that,
that they had just left it the way--
- This is not a fucking edit mistake.
- No, I'm not saying it's an edit mistake.
- No, you're actually saying this is not studio notes.
This movie was horrible.
This movie was horrible from the get go.
This is the best product they could have got.
- Nope.
- It could have been better.
- I disagree. - But you think
it would have been good?
- I don't know.
We never even got to see--
- Thank God.
- Thank God we didn't even--
- But if you go to, okay, you go with the script
and you're like, "Hey, we're gonna tell this story ABC."
And then the studio goes, "Well, you can have--
- It's been a whole time.
- Let's see, but we're gonna need you to add JK,
and then you just keep going through with it.
- JK Rowling has done that.
- Yes.
And you keep chipping away at the original vision.
Whatever ends up as the product
is probably not what--
- Sure.
- The writer and the--
- But this is not the case.
This is not a group think mistake.
- But I'd be curious to read the original script.
- Oh, I could tell you some stuff about the original script.
- But the story itself, whether you don't like
how it's filmed or whatever, it's, you know,
would a better script have made the chemistry
between the two leads better?
Would it have made villain or the villain darkness
not as stupid?
- Maybe because in the original script,
there's a part where Lily get,
like when the unicorn gets startled,
the unicorn's horn cuts her shoulder,
which turns her into some sort of beast.
And then she and darkness end up
copulating in the woods.
- All right, maybe a little more sex with health, yeah.
(laughing)
- And Jack and the fairies stumble--
- What was this rate?
- I think it's PG.
- This is PG.
- But then the original--
- I think they said shit.
- I think they said shit and health.
- But then the original script was given
to the producers. - I mean,
there's no child sacrifice.
Definitely no boobies.
- Ooh, we got it in there.
The boobies, nice.
The original script was presented to the producers
and the quote was, you know,
you can't have the villain fuck the princess.
And I think it would have just made it more interesting
if they had just left Ridley Scott,
at Shoresburg-- - Is that never happened?
The villain fuck the princess?
- I think it happens now, it just didn't happen back then.
- And I'm not saying that sex would have made it better,
but I think that if they had just let them
do their original vision,
we wouldn't have had this travesty.
- Right, I don't know, I just,
I think there's so much shit wrong with this movie.
- I would still say that for 1985,
visually, it's really good.
And I still think-- - I don't, you're saying like,
it's a lot of shit going on the screen,
but it doesn't have that epic feel like--
- That's submersive.
- It was a lot of fluff.
- Yeah, it's a lot of window dressing
and nothing outside the window.
- Next year, like, you pull back,
they're not, obviously, they're totally different movies,
but you pull back, it's top gun the next year.
- And you've got this wide frame--
- And it's wide in your seat.
- And your versatile epic, like it's--
- And then epic films--
- You just call it Top Gun Epic?
- Well, in the, in the, it's--
- Comparatively speaking.
- Compare the other movies coming out in the 80s, yeah.
- Hey, we'll be doing Top Gun at some point.
- Are we really?
- Oh.
- It's, we're gonna save it for Mark,
it's gonna be a double header, we're gonna do--
- Ooh!
- We're gonna do Top Gun.
- We're gonna make us go see Maverick.
- And we're all gonna have to go see Maverick,
and I can't wait.
- Oh my God, Brad, okay.
- You better buy popcorn for that.
- I'll buy popcorn for that.
- I wanna cook slushy.
- I'll buy a cook slushy, whatever you got.
- Really?
- Yeah, I need to go to, you know, that's better.
- Yeah, that's gonna be, we might have--
- I can't find the rating.
- We might have a guest on that one.
- Oh, really?
- Who's my, my buddy Jim?
He might want to come, you guys did Jim.
- All right.
- We're gonna, we're gonna have guests on the podcast?
- Sure, we got guests, people wanna come on.
- This is our podcast, you do it, that's true.
- One last piece of trivia that's gonna make y'all cry
is that it is widely rumored that this movie
was the inspiration for the person
that created Legend of Zelda.
- Oh, then something good came out of it.
(laughs)
- See, there's more Brad trivia.
- Oh, you know, Tom Cruise does look like Link,
sort of the outflow-- - Oh, God.
- And the swords?
- Uh-huh.
- Oh, that's, that's the most, oh.
- Well, okay.
- We just read it for everybody on this.
- I guess.
- And on that note--
- I said, this podcast is gonna destroy your childhood.
- We should be, on that bombshell is Top Gear,
we'd say we're gonna hit the podcast.
(laughs)
- No, you can't say that, what?
- As we've said, this is Brad and I,
this is the first time we've seen this movie.
You just watched it again, I know you watched it
before the podcast, but does it hold any of the,
does it hold any of like, the nostalgia for you,
or is it like, you watch it now and you're just like--
- For me watching it now, it's,
I'm not even sure how, but it's board boring,
but the anticipation of seeing the one scene
with the dancing and just Tim Curry,
the rest of it, I'm like, this is just tripe, but--
- Why would you watch it for those two,
why not?
- I love Tim Curry so much.
- Why, you can just fast forward, there's a button.
It's like, no, it's fast forward.
- Brad, Brock was asking me, like, we sat through it.
I was like, yes, for me, there was that anticipation.
Y'all didn't have that, I did.
So, I'm, I mean, this movie was painful.
- Was Beastmaster better or worse?
- So much better, I was just Beastmaster.
- I cared about the ferrets.
- Yes, I'm not arguing that.
- I know, but that's the thing is like,
I watched Beastmaster, like, I had just seen it
like two weeks earlier, you guys didn't see it in a while.
I still sat there with you guys
and watched it 'cause I thought, if it flows,
it actually--
- You were the one that was like,
this is a piece of shit.
- It is still a piece of shit, it still is a piece of shit.
That's how much, how much of a piece of shit legend is.
It has no fucking story, I can't understand,
basically, and I sat there and complained about
how I can't understand what's going on with Beastmaster.
Or actually, I never, I don't think I,
maybe I didn't, I can't remember.
- Do y'all remember what I said?
- I had a little much to drink that much, but--
- Do you remember what I said upstairs
where I was like, y'all were gonna be confused,
because this movie makes you notice, yes.
- See, for me, it wasn't the confusing,
it was just--
- You didn't give a shit.
- I don't care, I didn't care.
- Like I said, I was sad when the ferret dies
in Beastmaster.
- I know.
- I liked the ferrets.
You know, they're kind of cute,
and that's kind of appealing to kids and all that shit.
There was not a single character in this movie
that if something bad had happened to 'em,
I would have--
- And then it cut Jack's head off in this, of your life.
- If at the end, Jack had to sacrifice himself
to save Lily and save the kingdom,
I would have been like, well, good on you, Jack.
(laughing)
- Whatever.
- All right, so--
- All right, if Sloan had to be sacrificed,
like, in the end, Joan should be thrown out some pit.
I've been like, yeah, well, you know,
they need to be--
- All right, so just like Beastmaster,
I am kind of like in the middle.
I'm like, for me, it retained some of that nostalgia.
- Well, I can't--
- No, so you can only base it on what you've seen.
- Yeah, I just feel like it was a lot of nothing.
There was just--
- There was garbage, there was just nothing ready.
- Can I say that? A pog, a pog, a pog, this is total pog.
- Oh my God, Brad, you know what?
The rest of our podcasts, I'm gonna ask you,
was it as bad as legend?
- Until we find one of them.
- There we go, now we have a level.
- Oh, we have a level.
- Ooh.
- Well, I mean, we've had two, so I mean, like, it's not--
- I feel like--
- Legend is below--
(laughing)
- I still feel like there are a number of movies
where we're gonna be like, was it as bad as legend?
(laughing)
All right.
- I know, I kinda hope I don't watch a lot anymore movies
for this podcast or TV shows or we talk about books
that are this slow and boring and make no fucking sense.
I just hope that because--
- Excellent, that's a ringing endorsement.
- This was really--
(laughing)
- This was really--
- We found the basement.
- Wait, I paused it, at what point?
- I don't know, a couple.
- I think it was 30 minutes into the movie.
- You were like coming in the time.
- I was like, how much time is left?
- Yeah.
- And I was like--
- All right, so what are we doing next?
- I was like, oh Christ, I have to--
- Oh, I don't think we should say it.
- Okay.
- I haven't been in the bathroom.
- It's a secret, okay.
- Yeah, so--
- No, we--
- What are we doing next?
- Are we sure?
- Well--
- Do it.
- I can say it's in German, you put their guys.
(laughing)
- All right.
- All right, time for some bad parenting decisions.
- Yes, let's go, all right.
- Culture guys.
- Here we go.
- Here's putting their kids in danger
and smoking weed in the process.
- All right, here we go.
- Well, weed's not the bad part.
- No, it's not the bad part.
- Back in the day it was,
'cause we know--
- They made it a bad part.
- If you smoke weed,
you're gonna do cocaine the next day, so--
- I mean, I do.
- Which they may have.
- Thanks for egging.
(laughing)
- Hell.
- All right.
(laughing)
- All right.
- All right, if we end this one,
oh, this is so painful.
- Yay!
- Fluff, hey, the episode wasn't as long as the movie,
so we got that going for us.