this. Yeah. Oh, I can edit it. Yeah. Are you recording or are we are recording?
All right. We're already recording. We're just now as of right now. As of right now.
Right now. So this is where it's so we are. God, what are we doing? We're 40
something. Do we want to be anonymous? No, I don't know. I don't give it. No,
we're all going to say our names. Are we? Why not? We're not like doing anything
wrong here. Oh, I know. I know. Do you worry about saying your name? No, I'm just
saying I'll be patience. Okay, this is this is the pocket. This is does it hold
up? The podcast. The podcast. Thank you. We are not professional. But this is
the podcast doesn't hold up. And we are going to see if stuff from our
childhood from the 80s and maybe early 90s, depending on how far we go.
You're already ruining it. You're already like interrupting my doing the intro
here. We're doing the intro. Well, we're doing the intro. All right. And to see if
stuff holds up from our childhood. If it stands the test of time and if it's what
we remember. If it is great as we thought it was. But is we remember it?
Spoiler. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So we could be potentially ruining other people's
childhood. Well, we're not ruining anyone's childhood. They can choose to listen or
not. This is their prerogative. So I feel like we should do introductions. We can do
that. Go with it, Brad. All right. So I'm Brad McCloskey. Good name. Yeah. And I have our
brother here with me. Brock McCloskey. Good name. And my sister-in-law. Amanda McCloskey.
Yeah. All great. Good names. Good Irish. Yeah. So we're just gonna see what happens here.
We're doing this in a basement. In a great basement. Nice basement. I hope you could
such a good. Yeah. Yeah. We'll see. We got an American flag on the wall. So we're already
in it. We're already there. Thank you for your service. Yeah. All right. So tonight,
episode one, I guess, yeah, we're gonna go for it here. We're not gonna do like episode
.05 because the first, what was it that where he recorded like four or five? Why are you
gonna bring? Why are you gonna bring a great pocket like compared to that? I'm not comparing
to it, but all that. I just remember that he- No, he screened the base that apparently
for a while, but I'm not- No, but I thought he recorded a few episodes by himself. Yeah,
he did, but it dumped them all and dumped them all. Yeah. Yeah. Well, we're not something
else. No, not. We're staying on this one. All right. Fine. Well, with the source stuff,
the thing that we watched, we definitely have to stick with this one. Yeah. So, wouldn't
we just watch Brad? We watched 98, two classic B smaster. B B smaster. Yeah. B B smaster,
right? Yeah. It's only one, right? One E. One E. Yeah. Yeah. It wasn't a strip club.
It was a lot of skin. All I know is Tommy Roberts was in it. Yeah, what I cared about.
Okay. So, there's a jumping right into it. Was that something back when you watched that
as a kid that you noticed? Of course. See, I didn't- What? You didn't notice that we
just all got to see Boobies? No, it's something I didn't notice it, but it wasn't- I mean,
there was the obvious, like, Boobie scene that our grandfather cut out of the print he gave
us on beta. Yeah, but it showed up on HBO and mom didn't know about it, so we got to
see it all the time. But we got to see Boobies all the time. Mom thought- Mom thought there
were no Boobies in it, so we got to watch it. I was- And just see the other ones. The fact
that the Boobie, taking the Boobies out was good, but leaving that other stuff in there.
It was a total skin show. Wait, what was it? But I didn't really- As a kid, I didn't really
focus on that. It was more about the weird- What? I was saying that- For me, it was mere
about the weird shit that was going on. The flappy people eating other people. The flappy
people. It was just a lot of weirdness. The dissolving green giggle. The flappy people. The
white guys. The Nazi- The Nazi- The Nazi- The Nazi- The Nazi- The Nazi- The Nazi- The
Nazi- The Nazi- The Nazi- The Nazi- The Eagle, yeah. They're totally sin-assy simple, right? All
right, so- Okay, here's something. All right, so- You back it was your family. Yeah, if we back up a little bit. What's- What's the story? Would we-
Should we, like, kind of give a brief synopsis of the plot? Or do we want people to just go out and watch this?
Sure, yeah. You should go back and watch it, because it's horrible, but good. But it's
entertaining. It's a two-hour movie. Which is- For the 80s. For the 80s as long. It's long.
There's a lot of montages, so you can fast forward to a lot of shit. Yeah, some scenic shots.
A lot of- What's his name? Mark Sanger. What's Sanger? Mark Sanger. Mark Sanger. Mark Sanger is the
guy who's- He was in V. Yeah. He's- I mean, you know- He is Darr. Darr is- He is Darr in this.
He's from Narr or whatever. Right, and then- And the god is R. R. Yeah.
Very monosyllabic. Well, not like Mayax, that's- I mean- It was Max. It was- It's spelled Max.
There's two A's. Two A's. No, does anybody have a two- It's- It's- It's- What's her name?
Her name? Kiri. Kiri. Kiri. Kiri. Kiri. Two syllables. But Seth.
Mayax. It's- It's a very simple- Very simple time.
What was the kid? The- The- The- His brother, who-
I'm pulling it up here in Google. I typed in "beast for master".
Yes. [laughter]
But it found it, so- All right. I just want to see if they had a list of, like, the cast and- Yeah, so-
In the kingdom of Aruk, the high priest Mayax is given a prophecy by his witches that he would die.
It's spelled Max at Mayax. No, it's two A's.
It's two A's. Two A's.
The only reason I know it's spelled Mayax is because they set it right at the end when they killed him, and then I saw it in the credits.
I was like, "All right, we're gonna-" Okay, let's start- We'll start- We digress.
All right, let's go through how this stupid movie starts. [laughter]
Okay. How does it- Spoiler, spoiler, it doesn't hold up.
No. [laughter]
I love this movie as a kid, but it does not hold up.
All right. I mean, uh, we'll be- I mean, Brock, come on.
No, I will- How many times do you think as a kid we watch this?
[sighs]
I know that- 50, I mean, at least.
He's my brother and I, same thing.
Well, let's see- Okay, okay, here's the thing.
I don't- And maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm remembering wrong.
But I don't remember thinking of this movie as, like, the pinnacle of cinema when I was a kid.
I liked it, and I watched it- And I- And I- It was no clash of titans, I understand.
[laughter]
Right, right. It was no back to the future, or, you know, anything like that.
It was no Star Wars.
This is a clash of- No, yeah, we're- Okay, that's a totally different level, but-
We watched this movie a shit-ton for whatever reason.
Yeah.
'Cause it was HBO.
Because it was an HBO, and because we had a VHS.
We had it on tape.
And also because it was PG, and we had a way of saying some movies.
But the thing is, like, I think in a way it does hold up only because it-
It- It's true to what it was. It wasn't a massive movie.
You have- You're saying- No.
You have low expectations going into it.
Sort of. It can't be fun.
And I think it still retains that.
My- My problem with it is, is that I can't believe our parents let us watch a movie where-
You're just telling up on tits.
No, no, no, no, no, I'm talking about that.
I don't mean to- The child sacrifices a little.
The child sacrifices words I'm hanging up.
Fucking rip-torn takes a kid and throws them into the fire, and then picks another kid up,
and is about throwing them in the fire, and then until Mark Singer's eagle comes by and saves them-
Like, yeah, it's fucking insane.
It is fucking insane.
Hey, PG. It's still PG!
But, mind you, this is a hard PG.
I mean, Dragon Slayer isn't that when PG and the dragon eats the princess's foot off?
But that's like a bit of a shock thing right at the end.
But this is- This is such a hard 80's PG though.
Like, we're a show- We're a show.
They didn't drop the F bomb. That was pretty much it.
They didn't drop the F bomb.
But we're a show- Child Sacrifice, and like, torture.
The witches, like, they're all weird, like, they're all, like, sexual, but they have, like, this-
Pig face?
Pig face, yeah, weird thing on, like, but they're, like, their bodies, they're, like, the total, like,
put a flag in their face, do it for your country.
Yeah, they're definitely, like, pillow people.
Yeah, they're, like, so weird.
It's such a weird- This is a movie that was made by a 12-year-old.
Totally. He- Well, what did we figure out? The guy who did it?
It was, like, 24?
It was, yeah, it was young.
He was, like, this is, like, his second two.
Oh, he wrote it, yeah.
And it was just, like, his seconder, seconder- He was 20-something.
He wrote a bunch of movies.
Well, I mean, that's- I totally, when I was doing the research, I totally expected him to be a soft porn guy.
Like, I was- I was disappointed that it's not what it was, but, you know, ugh.
This is such a strange movie.
It really is.
See, I think that's a better way to describe it than bad.
It's strange.
I don't think it's bad.
It's just bizarre.
Strange?
It is bizarre in a lot of ways.
I mean, you start off where the king and his wife, their baby stole it and put it in a towel.
Right.
Wait, wait, hold on.
They use- Hold on.
We have to, like, let's back it up for a minute.
It has, like, they take their glow six and break it.
They pour the glow stick cheese on their necks.
So they can't move.
And then she takes the baby- The witch.
So witch takes the baby somehow out of the cow or out of the- out of the mom and puts it in the cow.
And then takes the cow.
And takes the cow off to some blue flame somewhere.
Right.
Cuz the cow opened to get the baby to kill the baby.
And then there's just some random guy standing around and walking by.
And he throws his- He throws his- He throws his name?
He's only one with a normal name in this.
And he throws his- We'll call it a- It had a name.
A spiky boomerang?
It had a name.
It's a switchblade.
It's a boomerang.
It is the- It is the cool- It is the coolest weapon that is not used.
Because he pulls it out, flips it out, it's like a switchblade boomerang.
He kills the witch who disappears.
Does she blows up?
No, she- He pushes her into the fire.
That's first- Wait, wait, hold on.
First he hits her with that thing.
Oh, right.
Then she disappears.
Then he goes over and gets the baby and then she turns around.
Then there she is again.
Oh, that's right.
And then she's like coming out and I'm like- And then he has to stab her again.
She walks right into the fucking sword and then he throws on the fire.
And then she blows up into like fireworks.
She tries to kill him first and completely misses him and the fire in the hole.
She just- She is the worst at trying to- The detachment in this movie.
There is a lot of incompetence with regards to the ability like the priest.
The priest can't fight with the dam.
No, the hole- They apparently don't know how to shoot crossbones.
It's the stormroll.
No, no.
But the whole- The whole- Every fight scene is slow motion, bad.
Like John- We haven't gotten to John Amos who is a terrific actor.
We haven't gotten to him being in this and him and his leather straps and all that.
But he's got his staff and he's just like bink, bink, bink.
Like this hitting people and it is amazing but also horrific.
Yeah.
At the same time.
I wish I could find the name of the weapon because it definitely had a man.
Yeah.
What was the name of that?
Yeah.
Anyway, so he throws that so the dad or the new dad picks him up.
The new dad picks him up.
And he's just walking through the woods and he has to see.
He goes to Stiltsville, right?
Wait, no, what does he see?
That's where he lives.
Oh, yeah.
It's the Stiltsville, which is just- Stiltsville.
Yeah.
So they go there.
It's the sort of village you think you'd see at the beach where you're going to get flooding but it's in the middle of the-
Obviously, yeah.
Yeah.
Then they have this whole scene with- So when he first picks up the kit, when he first picks up Dar, he's a baby.
When he kills it, which- And then if we flash forward, he's like probably 10, 11.
Yeah.
Not for long though.
Right.
Just for the one scene, 10, 11.
Do you pick the scene up?
The plot device.
And yeah, this is totally, like, to figure out he's the beast master at this point.
But he sounded 11.
They're hanging out there like, they're like, I don't know, they're sparring or some shit.
I don't know what they were doing.
Yeah, they're like- Yeah, I think they were.
Like, really?
Nobody wears any clothes.
That's the problem with me.
Like, nobody wears- Everybody likes to show high thigh.
Like, it is on the side.
Even the 12-year-old is showing high thigh.
Yeah, that was weird.
It is so weird.
Like, it is- That's why I say it's written by like a 12-year-old flick.
Yeah.
It is.
You're like, they're all- Let's see their thigh.
It's so weird.
It is so weird.
Yeah, so that's the scene.
They're sparring and- And then the guy- The bear attacks the other guy.
The bear sucks the guy.
The bear disguises a bush.
It sucks the guy in and then throws him back in.
He throws him back in.
It was totally weird.
Yeah, it was really weird.
Yeah, and then he- And then- And then-
Darn?
It is adopted dad.
Well, Darn gets the bear to go away.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
No, first they're like stumbling over each other.
Like, Darn and his adopted dad follow each other.
Right.
Which hurts the dad to where he can't move.
Right.
And then Darn is like, I got this dad.
He stands up.
The 12-year-old.
Who is the guy from-
It was so movie we were talking about.
It's- I think it's a-
Just one of the boys with the guy is- Or just one of the guys where he's the-
He's the- I'm not your brother who just likes to fuck everybody.
I think that's the same actor.
Okay.
But it's like ten years later.
But- Yeah.
That's irrelevant.
You guys- We can look up the web to that later.
Yeah, we can skip this part.
I'm pretty sure that's who it is.
And I wish I'd do the actor's name because I thought it was great in that movie.
And he's good in this one too for his little part.
It's three minutes for his first 36th.
But he looks at the bear and he just stands there and looks at the bear and the bear runs off.
But- But then the dad just assumes that he talked to the bear.
He talked to the bear.
Not that the bear just lost interest in like- Yeah.
Exactly.
I just killed that guy I'm good.
I'm gonna head out.
I am.
But you said what was the production wise?
What happened with the bear?
You said there was some weird- I think that was a man that I think.
Oh, the bear.
Yeah, the bear.
A circus bear?
The only bear performing in Hollywood at the time.
It was a Russian bear and the opening scene that they used the bear with.
It got loose and attacked its handler.
It's a picture word singer standing there.
And it's the thing where this like- He wasn't even the CD.
He was probably back in his trailer.
No.
He was probably back in his trailer.
No.
But like no, the- Marc Sayers creased up this whole fucking movie.
Yeah.
Yeah, the bear attacked the handler and then they finally got the bear under control and got the handler to the hospital.
And then told Marc Sayer it was time for his scene.
But what scene?
I don't know.
He was the other scene.
Yeah, but it's like there's a bear mall.
And they're like, all right, let's get back to work people.
Time's a waste.
I feel like I feel like they probably murdered a bunch of animals on this movie.
Will they drown the fairy?
Well, we haven't got there yet.
It's like it's drowned.
Yes.
There is a quicksand scene in this movie, which-
I just learned something amazing.
That's kind of cool.
It's going to make Brad laugh.
Okay.
What is it?
It's going to be out of order for the people listening to the podcast, but-
Oh, wait till it's in order.
You're going to love it.
All right.
Let's wait.
Okay.
We're so moving along.
And all of a sudden after that bear scene, like I said, it's just weird to me that the bear leaves and the dad just is like, hey, you talk to that bear.
You have a gift.
Don't tell anyone.
Oh my god.
It's the Elsa thing.
Yeah.
What?
It's like Elsa.
Yeah, it is.
It's really.
I love you, but-
Don't tell anyone.
It's like, don't tell anyone and go back to fucking farming.
Like I told you.
It's just like the next scene.
So it is totally-
It's really buffer farmer too.
Right.
I would say it is.
Well, they have to build those huts on still.
They have like the Flintstone weights off to the side.
Like we brought some sticks.
I mean, Mark Singer looks great in this.
He is fucking buff.
Wait, wait.
Figure out he was 35?
He is.
He's cut.
Like, I mean-
And it's not like over the top.
It's not like Schwarzenegger.
I mean, he's just-
But I mean, he's just-
Schwarzenegger's just big.
He's just-
He is just fit.
He's just really fit.
Yeah.
And, uh, and he-
I don't like-
I don't think anyone in this movie-
I want to say this for-
I don't think anyone acted poorly.
Like, I feel like it's all-
Yeah.
Well, acted.
I think Riptorn's great.
I think- Yeah.
Riptorn- Riptorn went with it.
I mean, it's-
Everybody's going.
It's over the top and can't be.
Yeah.
Not because it's bad acting.
Again, that's-
That's great.
It's what they-
They got what they got.
I think Riptorn had fun with it.
Yeah.
I'd love to find out.
You know what?
That movie was nuts.
But you know what?
I got pain.
I threw a baby in a fire.
It's like-
I got my cocaine in Jaws 4.
He's like, "I don't know.
I never watched it."
But it bought that house over there.
Yeah.
I feel like he's like-
That's so funny because that exact same thing you described is what-
Like the movie that I'm doing?
Like, my movie?
Same thing.
Like, the script was terrible.
And everybody just decided to just go-
Go bro.
Yeah.
I mean-
Alright.
So-
So we've gotten to-
We're trying to move along-
The sad plot we got there.
So-
That's true.
We're barely any of them.
We are barely any of them.
Okay.
So after the bear and after they decide that he-
So now-
We can talk.
Now it jumps ahead to-
Jumps ahead.
Mark Singer's full grain.
Full urine.
He's living in-
He's living in the stiltsville.
He's guys-
He's adopted dad who saved them from the gypsy who's going to take them out of the cow belly.
Everything's great.
This sounds so normal when I say it.
So he's like,
"Alright.
Time to go off the farm."
And they're out there like raking hay.
I don't know what the fuck-
They weren't doing anything.
No, they-
They were movie farming.
They were-
They were in a field with the-
He had a hoe.
He was out there pulling hay out of-
That's right.
He was like a special hoe.
His dad gave him like a special hoe.
So they're all fair.
And uh-
Everything's good.
Everything's working around.
And the dogs-
And the dog-
The dog-
Like he hoes up a stick.
And he throws it.
He's playing with his dog.
Right.
He's playing with his dog.
And he throws up a stick.
And then the dogs-
Starts barking out of the top of the hill.
And then-
We were the best-
And then they look over there.
And they walk over the top of the hill.
And there is like this-
Glowing-
The green-
The green cloud that's like-
Because actually it wasn't green.
I don't know.
I'm a color blind.
I know.
I'm sorry.
For the viewers at home.
I will-
I-
Oh yeah.
This is a visual.
Yeah.
This is a visual podcast.
We need a benefit.
We are gonna-
For your benefit,
I will let you know that Brock and I are both color blind.
So when we get the colors wrong, fuck off.
That's almost right right now.
And we'll get teased.
It was red.
Sure.
We get teased.
I don't care.
We don't care.
You can make fun of our handicap all you want.
If I was in a wheelchair,
you're gonna make fun of me because I can't walk the stairs.
Sure.
Do that.
It's all good.
You can make fun of us all.
My point is I'm gonna get colors wrong a lot.
I'm gonna be here to fix it.
And that's what's-
That's why I'm here.
Or it'll be,
you won't be able to see it,
but it'll be.
It was that, and we'll just point to Amanda.
That'll be like that.
Yeah.
What you said.
Yeah.
What you said.
So we'll just go with that.
But we'll get colors along.
We're wrong a lot.
So that's the way it's gonna work.
And these are the bad colors.
John.
Okay.
So they're coming in.
And they're coming in sitsville.
And still still still still still still.
I know.
But so they're coming in and.
Like how they're like a mile away from the farm.
Like the farming is like up on this hill like.
I don't know.
All the farmers run back to get weapons to fight the horde.
But then like two hours.
They are.
They are like 40 minutes late.
Yeah.
It's like running running running.
And they get there.
Yeah.
They're running.
It's a lot of running scenes.
A lot of just straight around the camera.
Like.
It's like muddy Python.
It's like it's the.
It is.
Lancelot.
It's like.
Yeah.
It is.
It's like.
It's a lot like that.
But.
So the.
So the horde comes.
No.
So they.
Yeah.
And then the farmers have all run back.
No, the.
They get back there.
But they're late.
The dad.
Yeah.
The dad.
The adopted dad.
I don't see.
Paul Revere's his name.
Hold on.
I don't know.
I don't think he has it.
I don't.
I never heard.
I mean, I see this video like 30 times.
I don't know the guy's name.
His name in the cast is DARS father.
DARS father.
Yes.
Well, he's not though.
He's not really DARS father.
Well, he's the important last one.
He's not DARS father.
He's DARS adopted father.
I mean, I'm going to take a little.
Is that IMDB?
No, this is Wikipedia.
Oh, don't fucking trust Wikipedia.
We're.
IMDB.
DARS father.
I don't know.
Get it.
Give him a real master.
All right.
But it's like stormy.
This is great.
This is great podcast and we're going to.
We're going to listen to Brock.
Click.
Click type.
Yeah.
Well, we're doing that.
So, so DARS adopted father runs out to defense.
Sorry.
In Internet movie database.
He's young DARS father.
So young DARS father.
So the.
What do they call John?
The John?
Yeah, it's.
It's the John.
Or the John.
Or.
Okay.
So John Horner is coming towards the village and he is.
He's like sitting there and he's like he throws down his melon.
Whatever the fuck he's eating.
He throws it down.
What's the cop?
What?
Yeah, I don't know.
Whatever.
I'm going to.
Savantix here.
He throws down something.
And then he turns to or they're coming towards the gate of the community.
He pulls the sword out and he twists at the sand and draws a line of sand.
And then they fucking just.
They just run him over.
They run him over.
He is worthless.
I mean, they just slowed down.
Yeah.
I'll sacrifice myself so you can get away.
It was more like sort up to like cut one guy.
Like even try.
It was.
He drew his.
He drew.
They just talk.
So it's so pathetic.
It was a sad death.
It was sad death.
Well, then they kill basically everybody in the village.
Except for NAR because it's dog singing.
There's a booby shot.
That's right.
David Carradine's ex-wife.
What?
The top was chicken in the village.
It's David Carradine.
Where'd you find that?
Jesus Christ.
A man doing a research.
David Carradine?
Yeah.
Like blah blah blah.
What was it?
I don't even know what that is.
No, you're thinking David Caruso.
Oh, Caruso.
David Carradine's Kung Fu legend continues, right?
Oh yeah.
Wow.
I was wrong.
Wow.
That was really bad.
We can cut that out.
No.
I like it.
David Caruso's guy.
I don't know why it's better.
Buh-bye.
Ex-spouses.
David Caruso.
What was the point of her being here?
I have no idea.
I read that.
I just want to get my breasts on screen.
Her point was to get her boobies on the screen.
I guess.
It's such a weird, like, it's a...
It's a pointless shot.
It is such a pointless shot.
It is a pointless shot.
It is a...
It is a rapid pillaged steam.
Like, that's what's going on.
And they just rip her clothes off.
And she's running off.
And she's bouncing all over the place.
Yeah, it is.
It is such...
For APG, I still don't get that.
Yeah.
Like I said, '80s.
You have to...
I don't know.
No, I have to wonder if something like that was...
Like, they put it in just to see if they get away with it.
No.
I think...
I think APG was like...
They're like, "Yeah, you might be right."
I don't know.
Like, they put their stuff in...
Who knows what they...
It was so fast.
Who knows what they took out.
Yeah.
They probably took the sex scene out.
Every...
During the five-minute fight scene at the village,
every three seconds there was a boob shot.
And they're like, "All right, guys.
Take it down to one."
Take it down to one.
We'll give you one.
That's okay.
- Or did you find that 'cause I can't find anything about it.
- I thought I read the rest of the thing.
- So, Erga, keep moving on here though, but.
So, the Hun, what did they call it again?
- John.
- The John.
- John.
- John Hor.
- Or the John Hor.
- John Hor.
- So they're there, Beast Master comes running in
with his hoe, that's a.
- Farming in four.
- Farming in four, not his girlfriend.
- It seems later.
- Yeah, Tommy Roberts doesn't it, yeah.
And so, yeah, so then he gets knocked out,
like he's like staring down the bad guy.
- He does some fighting, but then he gets.
- He does some fighting, but he's totally staring
down the bad guy, and the bad guy's a staring him,
and the one of his underlings just comes up
and knocks him back in the head.
- Yeah.
- Which is kind of bushly, bushly.
- Yeah, and basically.
- Like fight him straight on.
- He would have been killed if not for his hero dog.
- His hero dog, who strikes him out.
- Yes.
- Like getting shot with the arrow.
- Yeah.
- And then everybody dies.
- And wow, then, but wait, wait, wait.
All of a sudden, all the houses on stilts
just start exploding.
- Oh, like exploding, yeah.
Well, whatever reason.
- I think they'd manufacture C4 in stiltsil.
And, you know, it's just.
- Is that what it was?
- That's why they had it up.
'Cause if you bumped into it, it'd be blow up.
- They were out there hoeing C and four.
- Yeah, yeah, they were in the C field,
and the four field they had to keep it on,
'cause otherwise it'd blow up.
I mean, this is basic stuff, guys, geez.
- Sorry.
- I'm not gonna read anything.
Come on, I think barely knows.
Read it, you're gonna put it, sorry.
- It says the first fully visible breasts in the film,
the woman running talk list from the horse
belonged to David Carradine's ex-wife.
- I don't think I'm good for her.
His ex-wife, like--
- Well, he has like five of them.
- Was it his ex-wife at the time?
- Oh, just doesn't mean it doesn't matter.
- Oh, really?
- Are we gonna dive this deeper than this?
- We can do research later.
- We'll put it in post.
- Yeah, we'll put it in post.
- We'll put it in post.
- We're still like in the first fifth of the movie.
- Oh, heavy, yeah.
- We were right in this.
- He hasn't even really started mastering these two.
- It is glow sticks.
They went full 80s.
- Totally glow sticks, though.
We knew that was glow sticks.
- All right, so.
- So, what's this?
Dar.
God, sorry to remember the name.
- Dar.
- It's a silver line.
- What else is it?
- Dar wakes up.
- The dog's dead, which is--
- The dog had dragged him out of the fire, right?
- And then died.
He got shot with the arrow.
- And then they apparently drug the dog
'cause he carries the dog back
and it either is a really good stuffed animal
or I mean, the tongue's hanging out.
- I don't know.
They drug that dog.
- And then he burned the fucking dog and his dad.
- And all the people.
- In the symbol, like the London Underground symbol, right?
- Yeah, it's a nose symbol.
- And then I guess--
- I guess it's not, yeah, it's a Londoner.
That's the good one.
- Yeah.
- And I guess at that point,
he just decides it's time to get revenge
'cause you don't really,
they don't really go into what his thought processes are.
- There's thought, no.
- There's no thought processes, no, there's no dialogue.
- There's no dialogue.
- Well, he goes out and he starts to train.
- He's gonna kill the hunt.
- It's time for Rocky 3, you know, get rid of him.
- The John or whatever they're called.
- John.
- The John, the John Hunt, whatever it is, whatever.
He's going to kill them.
That's his point, that's the whole point.
- Yeah.
- He doesn't give a shit about anybody else.
- That's true because at this point,
he doesn't know, he's got the branding.
- Except for him.
- He's gonna kill him.
- It looks like they branded a baby.
- Yeah.
- We skipped that.
- Well, anyway.
- Anyway.
- No, we talked about it, but yeah.
- His thing is the point.
He's got that fucking brand all this came the whole time.
He has no idea what that is.
And then he goes, oh, he even got there.
- Yeah.
- He ends up showing up at that place
that looks like that.
And he doesn't, he doesn't go like, huh, huh.
- Yeah.
(laughing)
- That looks a little further.
- Yeah, I mean, that's true.
That's like right at the end.
- Yeah.
- Everybody else knows what it means.
- Yeah.
- What do you think?
What do you think?
- Yeah.
- Sorry.
- Yeah, so he goes and he starts to train
and he starts to hone his mastering of the beast skills.
- Oh, that's a fucking beautiful montage.
(laughing)
- So he gets the evil montage.
- The ferrets steal his shit, but he gets them
and nearly drowns in random quicksand, which.
- Which they actually did have a ferret fall
into the quicksand as submerged.
- Right.
But I'm thinking about where this was filmed.
- It was like a desert, right?
- Yeah.
- The quicksand, was that like a shout out
to like 50s Tarzan movies where like people just died
in quicksand all the time?
Or blazing sals?
- I think, you know, you.
- Go back to Melbourne.
- All right, this, do you guys,
are you guys over here of quicksand porn, right?
- No.
- I have because of a podcast and I can't remember
which one.
(beeping)
- What was it?
- Yeah.
- So quicksand porn is a thing.
- But isn't that kind of a recent phenomenon?
- No, it's back, it's back from then.
It's back of like the 50s.
- Really?
- Yeah, like the, when we get down,
the movies get all, people get all.
- All right.
- Are you serious?
- Yeah, I'm totally serious.
It's a thing.
- Rule 34, babe.
- It is.
- 'Cause of the word.
- All right.
- This is what I saw on it.
So I thought for sure like that,
like that scene in that movie,
'cause it's from the eight, that was total.
Wait.
- But there wasn't a chick,
it was a dude, in a ferret.
- Well, I mean, I don't,
I mean, whatever.
- It didn't do anything for me.
- I just have to wonder if, you know,
the guy, 'cause.
- But that kind of quicksand's not a real thing, right?
- No.
- There's not a real thing.
- It's hard to sink, like, past your waist and quicksand.
- There's not a real thing where like,
I'm gonna see, yeah, exactly.
He's in there and he's like,
going down to his head, and he's up.
- Real fast.
- Yeah.
- Well, that's the thing.
- If you'd totally drown that ferret.
- I know.
- If you grew up watching like old Tarzan movies
and Bugs Bunny, you would've thought
that quicksand was something that you're gonna experience
in your everyday life.
You gotta look out for it.
- It's a real problem.
- 'Cause you're gonna run it.
- It's out there somewhere.
- It's out there.
- And you're gonna hit it,
and if there's not a vine nearby.
- I swear you can cross the vine and slip.
- If there's not a vine, you're dead.
And it really, it's just not a thing.
- I don't know.
I don't know.
- Not to that extent.
- I feel like there might be, like, somewhere,
there is that.
- No, maybe.
- I'm saying there, I'm saying.
I think there's somewhere, is that, but not today.
Like, it's not as prolific as we think.
Like, yeah, you're right.
Every jungle, everywhere, like,
it's not fucking Utah where they film this.
- It's in Utah, Northern California.
- It's not in Utah.
There's no quicksand.
- It was just, I just found,
it was like a really weird plot device.
Like, the ferrets steal his stuff.
He goes chasing after them.
The scenery changes a few times while he's chasing them.
Different types of bushes.
And then he just randomly falls down a hill into quicksand
and commands them to save.
But, I mean, he could have just been, like, stop.
I'm the Beast Master.
Stop running away with my shit.
Okay, well, I mean, the quicksand.
Again, what kind of movie is this?
This is a campy fantasy movie.
It does make some sense that they would throw in quicksand
because it's just so ridiculous.
- All right, I'll give it up.
- But anyway, so he's honing his skills.
- So I knew it.
- He saves the tiger.
- There's the still, there's the thing called quicksand
for which is so fucks with me.
- Yeah, it is weird.
So, then he saves the tiger.
So now he's got his crew.
- Wait, wait, wait.
No, first, he saved, okay, he got saved by the ferrets
in the quicksand.
- Right.
- And then he sees the eagle sees the tiger
and then he has to go there.
- I thought he saw through the tiger's eyes.
- No, he was being chased.
- No, the eagle was the one.
- Oh, okay.
- The eagle wasn't what he saw.
- That doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter.
Anyway, he saves the tiger that's all black,
that they had to nair.
They used fucking--
- Lady Claro.
- Lady Claro, that's what it was.
- That's what it was.
- He keeps licking it off the front.
- They fucking died the tiger black.
- I don't think the restrictions for animals
and films were anywhere near--
- No, of course not.
- 'Cause they drowned that ferret.
- They drowned the ferret.
- They're painting the tiger that are dropping the eagle
at a hot air balloons, 'cause the damn thing won't fly.
I mean, it's just like, yeah, wait, what?
- Yeah.
- We haven't said that.
- That's true.
- We've talked about it before, but--
- They drop, say it again.
- The bird, the eagle, wouldn't fly on command,
and so in order to get the shots of the bird--
- The majestic swine shot.
- They had a hot air balloon with a trap door,
and they dropped the bird out of it to make it fly.
- See, I think that should've been a movie.
- What?
- That would've been great.
- Although this website actually says
it was helium balloons.
- Wait, what was that about?
- So what if I got, like, blow darts
and they're like, all right, pop the balloon for the fly.
It doesn't matter, they took the bird up.
Like, the bird was like, fucking, I don't want this again.
- When the cage was high enough.
- Right.
- They opened the trap door, and the bird had to fly.
- Yeah.
- So he owns the skills, and then--
- I'm back to, this movie does not hold up.
- Well, no, I think the more I turn it down--
- I think we already just turn it right.
I'm calling it early, yeah, okay.
I'm calling it early, but--
- I mean, see, my thing is, is like,
if I remember it being this masterpiece of cinema
that was hardly underappreciated and nobody else got it,
and then I just rewatched it, I'd be like, yeah, it doesn't.
- No, I remember it being a good movie
that had boobies in it.
- And you're still on them.
- I'm sorry, that's, I was like a 10-year-old boy
when I first saw it, I mean, that's what I remember,
I was like, and Tanya Roberts, she is still a,
she's very pretty.
She's like, so it was still like that.
That's what I remember it as.
And I'm not, and I still see it as that, so,
but it's, it was, I thought it was such a good,
like the plot was good on that, but now I watch it now
and it's like--
- There were budget limitations.
- It's so bad, yeah, so, yeah, it gets all of his animals,
but then we kind of talk about this during our viewing.
Do you think he got his Beast Master skills
from being transported into the cow?
'Cause they never addressed that at all.
- They don't address that at all.
- He was born with it or if he acquired it.
- I'm having a sequel, we figured that out, but I don't know.
- Okay.
- We'll get through time.
- Random little bit of trivia here.
Wayne Gretzky's wife is one of the witches.
- What?
(laughs)
Wait, what?
- Yeah.
- Janet Jones.
- 'Cause I saw her name on here, and I was like,
is that the Janet Jones place?
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
- What are the witches you were left together?
- Witch number three.
- I said, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
We were watching, wait, I will say this.
- They look good from the neck.
- I said, I said, I said, I said the witches were,
they were hot from the neck down, yeah.
I mean, they were, they definitely were--
- I wonder which one she was.
I wonder if we had to watch it again so you can see like,
oh, it's the one that like floats up the wall at the end.
- Oh.
- It's Wayne Gretzky's wife.
(laughs)
- It's the one who got stabbed in the belly.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Holy shit.
- All right, so.
- This movie has so many layers, it's great.
- It really is, it is an onion.
- Yeah.
- So.
- It's a parfette.
(laughs)
- It takes up layers.
- All right, so how much more of the plot
do we wanna really--
- I can't wait to keep going through it,
where were we at?
- Yeah.
- So he's got all his animals now.
He's got--
- Now is that when he meets, what was that,
when he first sees Tonya Roberts
or does he see the flappy people at that point?
- No, first he meets Tonya.
So he gets a tiger.
- Right.
- And then, yeah, then he meets Tonya Roberts.
- Right, then it gets rapey.
- Yeah, then he's watching.
- Then he's, yeah, the rape's there.
- Yeah, he's watching Tonya Roberts swim on the other side
of the creek, they're getting naked, they're walking in.
- Well, swim in clothing, but just pull it down
so her breasts are in.
- Yeah, but the slaves, they're just washing the clothes
and getting naked.
- Why not be naked, Tonya?
- They gotta hate it.
- So that's exactly what I saw, yeah.
- Listen, they gotta get underneath.
They're like, they're trying to get all clean, yeah.
And the weird part is that she comes across the side
of the creek to get the clothes that were stolen
by the ferrets that, for some reason,
were on the other side of the creek.
And then she's like, chase them down,
then he gets rapey.
He gets a little--
- Yeah, it gets really weird.
- It gets a little weird.
It gets a little weird, like--
- He exploits his ability to talk to animals
to make her think the tiger's gonna attack her.
Then he quote unquote saves her.
- Yeah, and then--
- And then, I mean, they try to be cute about it.
He's like, get away, and then the tiger's still there.
And then he's like--
- A dog.
- Then he mounts her.
- Yeah, but she does get the upper hand on him in a bit,
but it's just a weird, that's a scene to--
- The theme, that doesn't hold up.
- You know where they would include that--
- Yeah, that's a very James Bond sort of thing.
It was like, manly and charming back in the day,
and now it's just like--
- You're a creep.
- You're a creep, like, I'm gonna punch you in the dick
and then go on away, yeah.
It's a weird, weird, yeah, that doesn't hold up.
- There was that, let's see, after that--
- But it never matters, because she never gets
her clothes back, and she leaves anyway.
- And she just runs off, and we never find out
what happens to her good friend.
- And the blonde is still there swimming in the creek.
- Yeah, we decided that, she's still there today.
She's still waiting for a friend to go.
- She's like, I don't know.
- It's like the, what was that, airplane,
where the guy in the cab is waiting.
- Yeah, he's waiting.
Five more minutes, and I'm leaving.
- So, wait, wait, wait, wait, what is Tonya Robert's name
of this?
- Kiri. - Kiri.
- Kiri, so yeah, her blonde friend,
she's like, Kiri's coming back.
- Her blonde friend, whose name is--
- She's like, Kiri's coming back.
Like, it doesn't matter.
Kiri's coming back.
- Linda.
- There was a TV series called Beast Master?
- Oh, dear. - Yeah, there was.
- Oh, wow, okay.
- So, while Brock is looking something up,
here's another interesting piece of trivia.
There were serious budget limitations during the filming.
- Wait, what?
- How much they were given to spend on actors?
The budget was $25 per day per person,
so they used homeless people.
(laughing)
- What, for villagers?
- Yeah.
- What?
- I get you that.
- For what?
- For the senior meets his father?
I don't know, the scene's not specific enough.
I don't know if they mean, like, his actual dad, or--
- Oh, yeah, when they're talking about,
like, in the pyramid scene?
- Maybe.
- What does it say?
- For this reason, homeless people were hired
for the scene where a senior meets his father.
The scene was shot during the night at Simmy Valley.
- Okay.
- I'm just finding--
- Maybe that was the scene.
Oh, maybe that's the scene where they're all out there
and the king's like, "We've got to go attack," and--
- Oh, they're almost there.
- They're almost there.
- They're all almost there.
- They should've had, like, the ferrals with the fire.
- That was the one where, you were like, you know,
she was like--
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah, those were all homeless people.
- All right.
- Hey, you know, that's creative filmmaking.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
- Okay, so, we're skippin' Harlow.
- We'll get back to that one.
- Kiri's friend at the swimming pool is Kiri's friend.
- And the actress's name?
- Yeah, her name is Kiri's friend.
- No, but the actress's name was Linda.
- Linda, right, yeah, 'cause we were looking at the--
- We're all tits, McGee, so--
(laughing)
- That's mighty.
- The other, the other boob.
- The other boob.
- Double boob.
- Oh, my God.
- All right, so--
- So she runs off.
- She runs off.
- Because she says she's a slave.
- Yeah, and you can't help me.
- You can't help me.
I have to go back. - I'm dar.
I can help whoever.
- Yeah, I'm the beast bastard.
- And she runs off, and then what happens after that?
Where does he--
- He runs in.
This is soon after that.
- This is, okay, that's when he runs into the--
- The flappy people.
- The flappy people, which I don't know,
I don't have no idea what they're called.
We used to, I mean, I remember as a kid,
remember, I don't know, Brock, you remember this,
we used to pretend to be, and we'd get our blankets up.
- With the blankets, yeah.
- And we'd do that to one another,
and we'd like, like, grab each other behind, and like--
- I mean, I was like a beast bastard.
- We're like, beast bastard.
- And we'd like, nobody disintegrated into goo, but--
- Yeah.
- Yeah, I guess--
- I was watching that, I was watching the day,
and I was like, holy shit, what the--
- It's really creepy.
- Like, where is that guy?
And he disintegrated into like--
- I had forgotten about, I mean--
- He's just gooed bones.
- I remember how they would grab them,
but I had forgotten about--
- It is so crazy freaky.
- I had forgotten about the goo that comes out at the bottom,
and how like, the feet of the bird people
are like, floating, sort of, yeah, but it is.
- But not only that, but up until like a second
before they released the guy and he's bones,
he's struggling in the--
- He's totally struggling.
- So I mean, they're alive.
- He's nasty.
- You know, you're alive when they start to eat you.
- Yeah, it is so--
- It is so interesting.
- But yeah, apparently, according to this,
they just call them the half bird, half human people.
- The Nazi guys.
- Yeah, they don't really have a name.
- Well, they totally have a Nazi symbol, yeah.
- The Nazi bird guys.
- Ugh, but I mean, it's loyal, like--
- One of the things that, you know,
I've never forgotten about this movie
are those--
- Those guys, yeah, they don't forget that stuff.
- We used to play that.
We used to get our--
- But it was just, for whatever reason,
they stuck with me. - We had our efforts out
and we did that, and we would do that.
- They were incredibly creepy.
- It was still like that. - Creepy and scary.
- That part of it holds up, they're still scary.
- And yeah, and the costume design's pretty good
and their faces are just like, it looks like, like alien.
- Yeah, it's definitely, I would love to know
how they did that, because it is--
- It is.
- The little pre-CG, or--
- The pre-CG, I don't know why. - The pre-CSI.
- The pre-CSI.
- It's pre-CSI as well.
- Oh, and Riptorn actually requested the Hawk-like nose.
- Well, they did his eyebrows, too.
I think they wanted him to--
- Well, his eyebrows, well, he said he wanted
to play the character of Max, Max.
- Max, Max, Max. - Max, yeah.
- Well, though, as a turkey vulture.
- Okay, well, but hey, remember this.
Remember that, wait, wait, wait, wait, I just made a connection.
Remember when the eagle saves the little baby?
- Yeah. - And he goes, look.
Like, the, whatever the God are.
Once you're, I wonder if, is it a bird God?
Is he trying to make himself look like a bird?
- Possibly.
- Because they basically worship birds as well.
- Maybe?
- He does look like a bird.
He really does. - You're lying, Amanda?
- I haven't had any, yeah.
- You haven't had any? - No.
I'm busy researching.
I'm looking for bizarre trivia.
- All right, so-- - Thank you, sir.
- Oh, and then very importantly, the bird,
his dar's bird flies in, the creepy, flappy people see it.
They're like, oh, we worship birds.
You're a good person. - You're not, it's easier.
- You're a good person. - You're not, it's like a--
- And they let dar go, but they give them the magic amulet.
- Yeah, that's what-- - No, it just thinks
they can call him. - No, that's the--
- It's like the bat's-- - Of course.
- That's what he calls back in the end.
Like, we do that. - Right, right, right.
- Yeah, but I mean, that's, I'd forgotten that detail.
- We just watched it, how did you think that?
- No, what was that? - No.
- Yeah, so-- - We'll cut that.
- We'll cut that. - Then he continues on his trek,
which again, he's, this is where it gets a little weird.
He's-- - Here, here again.
- No, no, no, I mean, just logically. - He's going to the city.
- He's going to the city, but he wants to revenge
on the horde, but the horde doesn't live in the city.
- No, but the horde, but-- - He's trying to find the trip.
- Riptorn comes through his town.
- Does he, is that why he does the-- - Yeah, he goes,
'cause remember when they blow up, at the very end,
when they blow up all his-- - When they blow up,
still Bill. - Yeah, still Bill.
Riptorn comes walking through,
or comes right through on his horde.
So he's-- - He's in a smart singer
knocked out of that fort. - Yeah, smart singer
knocked out of that fort. - I don't think he ever sees that.
- Sorry, Dar is knocked out at that point.
Dar goes to-- - Sure.
- The kingdom of whatever. - Right, but--
- Because he wants to find the slave girl
that he got rapey with. - Yeah, I mean--
- Is that really why he goes? - I believe so.
- 'Cause he let her go. - 'Cause he's gonna,
no, he's gonna rest through her. - He's gonna save her.
- Okay, okay, that'll get us here. - Wait, but she does say,
like, I'm beholden to so-and-so, so-- - Yeah.
- He's got some, and no, he says something about the horde then.
He says something like, I'm trying, and she's like,
you can't-- - I'm reading us an obstacle here.
Dar soon arrives at a rook, which apparently is the town.
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- It is very mayoch, and we're gonna read here.
- We're mayoch has assumed total control
with the junk support and subjects of people to the side.
- Yeah, but he's in there. - But that's not why he's--
- He's there for her. - All right, he's there for--
- Yeah, okay, I just wanna make sure
I hadn't missed something, yeah.
- I mean, I'd go for her at that time.
- But then he saves the kid,
and that's when he finds out where the horde is,
'cause they're gonna throw the eagle tank
and then he comes to fire-- - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- He's at the child sacrifice. - He lets the first kid go.
In this defense, he shows up like right at the moment,
so-- - I don't give a shit.
Like, he has a power to save one,
although Riptorn, it's really a botched throw.
Like the first one, he gives a clear throw in.
The second one-- - He just kinda drops her.
- He just kind of drops her. - Yeah, yeah.
- He screws the throw-- - Well, she was wiggling.
- Yeah, she was wiggling. - And then he takes the pole
to like, shove her down. - Yeah, right, right.
Ho, ho, ho. - Ho, ho, ho.
- Right at a Christmas store. - Yeah, he's gonna put the boot on her.
- Yeah, that is the best. - But then the little eagle
comes and saves the little girl.
- The little eagle, that eagle picks that 40 pound girl.
- Saves the bad special effect.
- And, okay, that's right, because then you go
to Fryer Tuck's house. - Right, that's the little girl's dad.
- Right, and in the span of about two minutes,
you pretty much get everything that's going on
because he just, it's just excellent.
- Yeah. - He just, here's what's happening.
- And then-- - Here's why we're here.
Here's why we can't leave.
- Fryer Tuck says it? - Yeah.
- I think he might've walked out at that point.
He basically says, we can't get out of here.
There's one bridge, they guard it.
They're sacrificing our kids.
The priest dude, he's working with the John Hoard.
He basically tells him, like, the girl's a slave.
I mean, he explains everything. - Everything.
You don't want to watch any of the other part of the movie.
- So now, it's like, you got how Beast Master
became like, Beast Master, and then, real quickly,
you get the situation of the town, and then it goes from--
- And then we go from there. - Yeah.
- But you never, okay.
In this whole movie, you never get explained
with the fucking, I don't, I still don't know the name,
the John Hoard.
- Hoard. - Hoard, Hoard, whatever.
- Hoard, Hoard, I guess it's understandable.
- John Hoard. - John Hoard.
- John Hoard. - You know what a Hoard is, right?
- Yeah, I know. - Okay.
- So, they're the Juns, but when they show up in mass,
before there was a John Hoard.
- But you never get explained what they are.
- Or where they're from. - They're just back.
- Yes. - Or who they are.
- They're just the nomadic warrior people apparently, yeah.
- I'm just, I'm making sure I miss.
- Yeah, I don't know, maybe there's a director's cut.
We talked about finding out--
- I think apart, I speak in part two when you come to L.A.
We figured it out. - (laughs)
- So, all right, so yeah, we get all the back stories
from the father who we like to call Fryer Tuck, 'cause--
- He looks like Fryer Tuck.
- He's got a guy, he's got a Fryer Tucker.
- And he's a whiny bitch.
- Yeah, he is. - He's like, no, he bitches
to the eagle. - One point.
- He's like, "The one with my ear."
- "The one with my ear."
- Don't talk to me.
- So-- - Evidently, he speaks eagle.
- Yeah, and the eagle is a sister, and he's like,
"Come on, Donald." - He's like, "Come on, Donald."
- Oh god, damn it, okay, I'll do it.
- Yeah.
- So then, from here-- - Yeah, so, where we at?
I'm trying to, he's just had dinner with Fryer Tuck
and learned everything that's happened.
- No, certainly he leaves.
He leaves because no, we have to, we saw,
he's got to go save Tommy Roberts.
Like, she's been taken off. - Have we gotten
to that point, yes? - No, I don't see him.
- Okay, there's no continuity.
- No, that's the next part.
He's got, they're leaving.
He hasn't met Seth yet, he hasn't met the king song.
- Yeah, he learns that Carrie's gonna be sacrificed.
- Right. - Okay.
So, on his way to save her,
that's when he meets Tall and Seth.
- Tall, who is the king's other son.
- Right, his brother. - Half.
(laughing)
- I'm the scre-, I think it's a brother.
Well, they, they mentioned that the queen-
- We don't know that the mom's-
- No, they actually said it again.
- They said it, you weren't paying attention.
- Oh, they said, yeah. - Kill my queen
and took my son, and so, it's his half-brother.
- That's hearsay. - In the box.
- It's hearsay. (laughing)
- And Carrie's his one-fourth cousin,
but we'll get into that.
- No, they're full cousins. - They're full cousins.
- They're full cousins. - What?
- We'll get drawn. - Are we gonna do a family tree?
- I'm gonna do a family tree, I'm gonna do a family tree.
- No, I know, I got it, I got it, I got it.
- Okay. - So, brothers.
But him and Tony Roberts are cousins,
and they're fucking at the end.
- Spoiler. - And they really never
addressed the fact that they're cousins.
They mentioned that they're cousins.
- No, they talk, talk about it. - But it's all cool.
There's no like- - Hey, let's back.
- Maybe, maybe I should find somebody else.
- The second of the day, you could, I mean-
- 'Cause it didn't matter. - There was a lot of travel.
- Hey, listen. - It was all about making more kids,
'cause- - I get it.
- I get it, I get it. - I get it.
- The John Horrors were really cool.
- Hey, listen, he was hot, she was hot.
- What are you gonna do?
(laughing)
- Two hot people, because it's you're not-
- Jews that are loser, right?
- It's you're not, you got to go for it.
- At that point.
- Like, what are you gonna do?
- So. - It's an algorithm.
- All right, so let's go on the way to save Carrie.
- On the way to save Carrie, he meets up with-
- Seth, Seth and- - Which is the red of the set.
- It's like, it's like Da, Bob, it's Cherokee,
and then it's like, oh, we got Seth there.
- Seth. - Seth.
- We are in call, at least it was good.
Like, they didn't go racial, like this was Seth.
Like, oh, I mean- - Yeah, they called Black Seth.
- Yeah, they called Black Seth.
(laughing)
- Jesus, I mean, yeah, they could have in the 80s,
we don't know, yeah.
- Yeah. - No, it's just Seth.
It was good.
- He was out, it was amazing.
- And John Amos is the best actor in this whole fucking movie.
- I'll give you that.
- He is the best.
Better in Tonya Roberts?
(laughing)
I mean, Tonya Roberts- - I'm gonna act.
- Tonya Roberts, I mean, she's-
- No, I would agree.
- I mean, I think he is the best.
He is, I mean, like, he,
and he had to wear some shit for life.
He probably was like- - I think he was chasing.
- What a-
- With the two of them, Matt.
- Yeah, you said, with the two of them.
- The first singer and- - Tony.
- John Amos first met in costume.
The both of them just busted out laughing.
- Which is exactly what I was-
- John Amos is wearing, like, two seat belts.
(laughing)
It's like squaring.
It is the most ridiculous costume.
- Yeah, Mark's singer most of the time,
it's like a belt with, like, flaps hanging out.
- It's a leather hula skirt.
- Yeah, yeah, that's why he called it, right?
- Yes.
- It's a leather hula skirt and Amos is in BDS somewhere.
- They decide that they're gonna save the princess
because they see where she is, not the princess.
- Yeah, sort of.
- Curie, we'll see Curie.
- The cousin.
- Yeah.
- No, they run it.
- He sees through the eagle's eyes where she is
and who she's with.
- Right, they see what she's with.
- So, they come up with a tactical plan.
- And their plan is- - Right.
- And their plan is just-
- Get ahead of him.
- To get out a raft.
- Somehow, they're behind them in the travel,
but they get ahead of them and they pull the raft across
and they're like, did they kill the guys
he used to run the raft?
- I don't know, we don't know.
- And the raft is like, it's across like a,
it's a really big lake.
- It's not like a 30, like, you know-
- It's a ferry.
- It's like a 40, 50 meter, or meter, whatever, feet.
Like, it is across eight.
- It's a lake.
- It's significantly lower, yeah.
So, they pull themselves over and then they-
- Somehow, they get ahead.
- They try to drown Curie.
- Well, she kicks the one priest-
- But then they attack, but then other people show up
who are, again, stormtroopers-
- The stormtroopers, they just keep shooting
the same totem pole that's on the side of the side of the raft.
- And so, they start to pull themselves back.
- And then they cut the rope head.
- And these master, in a moment of periodicity,
idiocy says, all right, let's get away better.
I'm gonna cut the rope that we're using
to pull ourselves across.
- No, no, no.
- And then, magically, the raft just starts-
- And he starts-
- Yeah, you miss it.
- So, it's a rope that goes all the way across.
- Right.
- He cuts it from the one end.
They can still pull themselves that way.
- They can't, that way, the other side-
- Did they show that?
- I'm-
- Okay, I'm doing it.
- I'm just saying.
- It's a full rope that goes across.
- Yeah, no, it makes sense.
- So, they can't pull them back.
- Oh, I guess.
- Well, they couldn't pull them back, but like-
- Yeah.
- Yeah, that is-
- It doesn't, it doesn't.
- You can't pull them, I have to be on the raft.
- It's still dumb.
- It's still stupid, but they can't get them.
- That's the whole point.
- That would be funny to see the bad guys
like pulling on the rope, but it's not coming.
And then they cut it and be like, "Oh, we got them now."
- No, but okay, let's say that.
Say it's a full rope, go all the way across.
If the bad guys grab the rope-
- They're just pulling.
- They're not pulling anything.
They can't pull it.
- You couldn't, I guess, yeah.
- That's the thing.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- It's the thing.
- They can keep pulling on this way.
- You have to be on the raft to use the rope.
- Right, right.
- So when he cuts it, it's like-
- Okay, now we can't steer it.
- It's like when Luke shoots the thing in the Death Star
and he's like, "Oh, I guess I just blew up the controls
"that extended the bridge."
- Like whoops, that didn't help.
- Yeah.
- You had to cut the rope 'cause it looks good.
- Oh, it looked good.
- We'll grab the other end quick.
So yeah, but then obviously from the aerial shot after that,
you can see that there's a motor attached to this raft
'cause it's just weak.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Doesn't matter.
- It doesn't matter.
- Spoiler, don't do that.
- I know, really.
- Oh, jeez.
- All right, so at that point-
- All right, so they've got everybody's painful.
- This is painful.
- God, we haven't even gotten to where
they get into the temple yet.
Do we wanna like some-
- Let's just-
- Do this really briefly.
- No, no, no, this has been fine.
- Okay, okay, okay.
- I mean, what's the how far are we on this?
- We're in.
- I mean, they can love it.
- They can watch the movie.
- I can watch the movie.
- They're not gonna watch the movie.
- Who are these idiots talking about this before?
- Our inept commentary.
- So.
- I think we're doing fine.
- Okay.
- All right, so they come back and this is the hayride in.
- Yeah, they decide to infiltrate the temple.
- Oh, that's right, 'cause they're like-
- Because they find out the king.
- They know the king is there.
- The king is there.
So the guy's like, the little kid's like,
my father's in there and Kira's like, it's my uncle.
We have to get in it.
So somehow they get into the haystack that is-
- The firetuck is driving.
- Oh, firetuck is driving.
- We haven't even talked about the witches in the ring.
- What?
- The eyeball ring.
- Yeah.
- No, but we're about to right now.
- Oh, we are, okay, 'cause that's in the hayride.
- 'Cause they're in the hayride,
and somehow they're in the hayride
where it's like a nice dome.
- Like a bubble.
- It's a bubble of hay.
- Just snowboard.
- They're in, and the kid is wearing the ring.
- With the eyeball in it.
- And how did he get the ring, though?
- Oh, he got the ring.
- The photo stole it from the priest that they killed.
- Yes, right.
- Okay.
- Guys.
- Okay, yeah, fair.
- And so now we have a special effect
that I'd forgotten about until rewatching it,
but I remember it as being just gross, though.
- It's a ring with an eyeball.
- It's a really good, I don't know how,
I really don't, I would like to see how they did that.
- Yeah, that was actually a really good effect.
- It was done well.
- It was pretty good.
- So, yeah, so they're in the hayride,
and they're doing it.
Like, and so they realize that they're coming in.
- Yeah, 'cause that's the problem with the eye ring,
is that the bad guy mayox can or mayox can see everything.
- Right, so they figure out they're coming in,
they go into the temple,
and it's just a thunderstorm in the back of the temple.
It's just like this weird, like,
it's just a bunch of hallways.
It's just a bunch of hallways.
- It's a tomb.
- Yeah.
- There you go.
- But they walk through the first hallway.
- Okay, so here's the thing.
- The where's hallway in the world,
where there is--
- It goes kind of Indiana Jones,
where there's like different things
you have to get through there.
- Right, but so they go down the first hallway,
and there's a bunch of guys.
- Well, they look like arms with eyes.
- They're called the Death Guard.
- But they're not even that though.
When they see them, it's just holes in the wall.
- As they're like--
- Yeah.
- As they're trying to walk by,
and they're just stains above
so you can get away from them.
So then, you know,
piece master runs in,
and then all of a sudden they start swiping.
- In the trenches on either side,
are these Death Guard guys with like spiky weapons?
- And I'm doing the movement,
but it doesn't work for the podcast,
but they're swiping their arms at the--
- Mark, what's his name?
- Dar.
- What's his name?
- Mark Dar.
- They're swiping their arms at Dar,
and then all of a sudden he just jumps up
and grabs the chain.
They have to be laying there on the--
- It's a very badly designed hallway,
because they reach from both sides,
but they can't reach quite into the middle.
- Right.
- And there's a chain.
- Right.
- Where you can only do they are.
- You can, yeah, you can--
- I feel like, here's what?
- The thing with the Death Guard.
- The Death Guard.
- The thing with the Death Guard is they can't control them,
so I feel like they have to put them in these cages,
and they have to have these security measures
in place so they can get around them,
because nobody can, as we will see in the next--
- They're not very concerned.
- Five minutes.
- Yeah.
- Nobody can control them,
and if they let them go,
they'll just kill anybody and everything.
- And we're coming up on this piece of trivia
that I can't wait to tell you about.
- It's a very dangerous weapon of mass destruction.
- So they have to have the Death Guard in these little,
like, semi, like they're like in the ground,
huts, they're just reaching out, people as they're walking by.
- They have these helmets on them,
and they have these--
- Right, so Dars able to grab the chain,
he's able to grab the chain, crawl his ass across,
pull the lever down that shuts the gates.
- It must have been labeled somehow,
you couldn't see it, but you know what I said?
- Yeah, pull lever.
- Yeah, pull lever to seal off.
- So then half brother and boobies are allowed to walk on.
They come with them, and then girlfriend cousin.
Yeah, girlfriend cousin.
- And then they see how they make the Death Guard.
- Well, okay.
- It's a metaphor, we see the king?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, we see how they make the Death Guard.
- They're walking through tunnels,
and they see how they make the Death Guard,
which is like their--
- The con, it's the con worm,
where they put it in the guys in here.
- It's exactly, it's like Star Trek.
- It's gross.
- It's another bit of-- - But it's Star Trek.
- That's later, so they stole that from this.
- Okay.
- They stole that. - No, Star Trek
was in the 70s.
- Raph of con.
- Oh yeah, I mean, it might've been around the same time.
- It was like, we could just really close.
- So they, we find out how they make these--
- 'Cause they pour some goo,
this isn't a, they know put something,
they pour some goo in his ear.
- Yeah, they put the worm in, and they put the goo in.
- Same ear, you two.
- Oh fuck.
- Who stole what?
- Oh Jesus.
- So--
- Yeah, I mean, that's one of the overriding themes
that I saw in Beast Master is there is like--
- Star Trek?
(laughing)
- There's like gore.
No, thinking of like the--
- For the 80s.
- No, but just in general, I think there's like excess gore.
And again, I think it's just designed that way.
- To be disturbing.
- Yeah, to be gross.
Like, the goo, not only do they put the thing in his ear,
but then there's like--
- Goo that they put in there too.
- Yeah, I don't know what is like coming out
right before they get the helmet thing on.
- So here's this piece of trivia for you Brad.
The Death Guard wear these spiky arm things
and a giant leather cod piece and a helmet that they, okay?
- From a BDSM store?
- Yes.
(laughing)
- So interestingly enough--
- Right down the corner or you know where it is.
- The masks worn by the Death Guard
did not have any eye sockets.
So the reason the guy's running down the hallway
waving his arms is so he doesn't run into the wall
'cause the casters can't see.
(laughing)
- No, that is nothing.
- So can we call them the gimp guards?
- The gimp guards.
- The actor could not be true.
- The actor playing this part couldn't see what was happening.
And even if you notice him running around
with the movie waving his arms,
it was to stop them from falling into the props and scenery.
(laughing)
- That can't be legal.
How was that legal by the way?
Just runs, I can't say.
Just put your arms out.
- Oh my God.
- Well guys, the budget for this movie was $9 million.
- And it's $25 per actor per day.
- I mean, I think maybe a million of that
was building the damn pyramid.
- You didn't build that?
- I don't know.
- $25 per actor per day.
- Unless they were homeless.
- No, that's how they got home.
- Did they still live?
- They had to paint them $25.
- They haven't paid them.
- They didn't pay Mark Singer $25 a day.
- No.
- Okay.
- I feel like that pyramid is somewhere.
They just used it.
There's no way, there's no way.
There's no way a union group built that pyramid
steps the way they are.
They're like, all right, rise over run.
It's like two inches, number three.
It's very good, boys.
There's no way.
But we want it at an 85 degree angle straight up.
There's no way.
- Yeah, I know.
- Originally the role of Max was written for Klaus Kaczynski.
However, a salary dispute.
- Who is that?
- Going to rip torn.
- All right.
Okay, so we're in the pyramid.
- We're in the pyramid.
- Where they are.
- We're in the pyramid.
- I think it's a death card, I can't see.
- But we do, we don't want to forget the little moment
of comic relief, where they release the ferrets
to get the keys.
- No, we're right there.
- We're right there, okay.
- So we learn how they make the death cards.
And then, yeah, he's dropped it,
'cause they eat the keys to get into the cell
to save the king, or to get the king out.
So they drop Teemos and Zeymoth.
- Yeah.
- That's not the right.
Sorry.
- That's cheating.
Sorry.
- Cotto and Frodo, what's her name?
- Cotto and photo.
- I don't find...
- Filbo and Frodo, whatever, whatever.
- The fucking ferrets, the two ferrets
that somehow are both males, but have whatever.
- Babies there.
- Hey, it's, I guess I can, this day and age.
At that time, they couldn't, but...
- So Klaus and Zeymoth was in more than 130 films,
and is evidently a very prolific actor
in the contemporary of Christopher Lee's.
- Oh, okay.
So there you go.
- I mean, he's probably a character, right?
- Yeah.
- People that you see like every TV show
that's ever been on.
- Yeah, he was in no spot to the vampire.
- All right, so...
- Okay.
- He was too expensive.
- Okay.
- He was too expensive.
What the fuck was Riptorn to with that?
Like Riptorn was like...
- He took $25 a day.
(laughing)
- I mean, maybe it was.
(laughing)
- Oh my God.
- That was the budget.
- All right, so...
So they're dropping the ferrets in.
- To steal the keys, right?
- Yeah.
- And...
- Something happens to the rope
and the ferrets get lost.
- No, so the bad guy wakes up and kills the priest.
- The priests that are down there, like,
I don't know, they're like check on their email or some shit.
- Yeah, they're working with this incredibly dangerous thing.
They've just created it, and yet it gets loose
and like instill kills them.
- And it gets loose.
It swipes the rope with them on it,
and then some of them still get the keys,
but then they're like,
and then they shark it and chase.
This is the comic group.
- Right, and then so we have like,
over the next 15 minutes,
various 30-second shots of ferrets running from a guy
swinging his arm so he doesn't hit the side of the belt.
- He can't see, he can't see.
There's no holes in the match.
(laughing)
- A gimp number four.
(laughing)
- Is it the same guy the whole time?
- Yes.
- The actor hit the CD.
- Oh my God.
- So they had him close arms.
- I heard the kid.
I thought it was so far.
- The scissor's on set?
- I mean, but they had to leave it black
so they could do that green eye effect,
and then if they were actual eyes, it would work.
- That's true, they couldn't see GI, that's the effect.
- Yeah, so.
- No, I thought it was funny.
I remember his kid, I was like,
"Oh my God, this ferrets are getting killed."
And he's like banging the pipes and stuff,
and then right there.
- Yeah, yeah.
- And it was, it was suspenseful.
- Yeah.
- I mean, it's a chasing.
- It is a good chasing.
- So then finally, the people.
- For eight-year-old, yeah.
- Managed, I guess, do they manage to find the room
where the king is?
- They find the room where the king is.
- They don't need the keys, 'cause the door's unlocked.
- The door's unlocked, 'cause it's a trap.
- Yeah.
- Riptorn is set a trap for.
- 'Cause you can see with the eye ring.
- Right.
- And so they get in there, and then they're up there,
that's when they have the fight with the,
so then they're in there, they lock 'em in there,
and then the--
- The tiger shows up.
- The tiger shows up,
so then they decide to go in there with 'em.
- Right, so now they're all locked in the same room.
- So now it's Riptorn,
the witch, Beastmaster, Tonicit, or what's her name?
Fanny Roberts, the boy.
- He's getting kerry, kerry.
- Kerry, Kerry's wife.
- Yeah, maybe, I don't know.
- Yeah, so then they're all in there,
and then the witch does the whole slither up the wall.
- Well, before that, she throws something in--
- She throws something in the Beastmaster's face,
like glitter, or something.
- Yeah, some glitter.
- And it blinds them in.
- And then she floats up the wall.
- That is the best.
- I remember-- - Again, just kind of creepy.
- It is totally creepy.
- And I remember, as a kid, watching it,
it's like, he's just like, swipe it there.
I was like, what's he doing?
Like, what-- - Yeah.
- And the best part is Riptorn's just standing there.
- Well, Toni, but Toni Roberts is too.
She could be like, she's--
- She's going up the wall.
Stand up, instead of using tiger.
- We have to use the tiger.
- Wait, and their defense, in Siri, Kerry.
- Kerry and the young kids' defense.
They've just found the king, and he doesn't have any eyes.
- They were really, remember,
'cause when Beastmaster first comes in,
they're on the steps, but like, well,
he might not be dead, but he's eyes are in his eyes.
- He's useless.
- Yeah, whatever.
- That's fucking cool.
That's literally, like, your boy--
- So then-- - Your man,
your Beastmaster man, your guy's about to get
fucking killed by a witch who's crawling up the wall.
- Yeah, help out.
- You can't look around and be like,
she's got a wife with a tiger who's looking through
the little door.
- Yeah, so he uses the tiger's eyes.
- Right.
- To see where the witch is, stabs up and kills her.
- Yeah.
- And turns and then, oh, it's a great move.
- It's kind of gross, yeah.
- It is a great move.
He does it, stabs it up, twists it in her belly,
and then pulls it down, and then turns her.
It is a great move.
- And then Riptorn decides, he's seen enough,
he's gonna get out.
- So he goes like down the stairs, down the stairs.
- He leaves the escape hatch in the prison cell.
- The worst prison cell ever, 'cause there's a hallway to get out.
- Well, here's the thing, they hit a blind guy there,
it didn't matter.
- Put him in the prison cell where there's,
wait, but that one has the escape hatch.
Nah, it's fine, he's blind, he's blind.
- But sir, he can walk, he's blind, it's fine.
- He's blind, really, it's totally cool, it's totally cool.
It's beyond the stairs, he's--
- You trying to make this prophecy happen?
- He's fucking blind.
- Shut the fuck up, he's blind, he won't be honest.
- Did we mention that, that the whole reason
that they wanted to kill the kid was that the kid
was gonna grow up to kill Maox?
- I don't think Maox said that.
- Hey, watch the movie you wanna figure it out.
- Yeah, really, I mean--
- We're not here, we're not here to tell you everything.
- Yeah, we gotta leave some of it out or else--
- You won't wanna see the movie.
- By the way, it still doesn't hold up.
- They get the king.
- Oh, here's the homeless scene, yeah.
- No, wait, oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
- Oh God, there's two escapes,
there's two escapes who haven't talked about.
- They go to the special room.
- They go to the special room with the skull
that covers the spiral staircase.
So they, the kid can turn that,
the kid goes over and turns it, gets the skull up,
all of them go down.
- But then the-- - But then the--
- The crazy bad guy shows up, still chasing the ferrets.
- Wait, wait, wait.
- Beast Master's like, "I can't go--"
- I'm waiting on his ferrets, yeah.
- And then they're like, "Okay, we're all gonna leave."
And then he's trying to turn it down
and for whatever, he can't turn it down.
- Right, so he cuts some other random thing
that just happens to make it fall.
- No, he doesn't know some random thing.
He takes his sword out,
there's that skull that's sitting there.
- Right. - Of course.
And he cuts the skull's head off
and the water comes out, and of course it makes you go down.
- Again-- - Perfect logic.
- Random thing, yeah.
- Perfect logic. - Perfect logic.
- And then Tanya Roberts comes out.
- And then Tanya Roberts just--
- I'm curious if I know where it's just like--
- We're gonna go up the air shaft.
- That was air shaft.
Let me take this rope with us.
- So then the ferrets show up with the keys
and we have the-- - They don't need anymore.
- They don't need anymore, it's like--
- You're a little late.
- Yeah, it was pretty funny.
- And he should just like,
a little late in this, like--
- Just come out with that.
- Squeeze him in a little, little ferret eyes.
- Yeah, nice.
- What?
- Toto and Frodo, whatever the name is.
- Well, I still don't know their names.
- I like Tomax and Zaima, that's really good.
- Oh, you're gonna get it wrong.
Get it wrong.
Yeah, so then the crazy-- - They crawl there.
- The crazy gimp guy busts through the door.
- He's caught the air shaft scraping his arms
and it's like sparks flying.
- No, he comes through the door first
so they decide to escape up the air shaft.
With the random rope, no, she comes over.
The rope is hanging on the wall.
- It wasn't, okay, okay.
- And she cuts it off, like, it's like an emergency rope.
It's like a fire extinguisher.
She like cuts it off the wall
and then goes up it. - They take it up
the air shaft and then somehow they attach it
to something and throw it out the air shaft
and start to climb. - Right.
- The crazy gimp guy comes out
and starts smacking at the rope.
- And then he does the beautiful thing.
- Right, right, right.
- And then he comes out, grabs the crazy guy's face
and pulls it out. - It's down guard.
- Death guard.
- Okay, you know what's insane?
- Poor guy.
- We haven't, we still have so much to cover.
- No, we don't.
- Yeah, we do.
- There can't be much left.
- There's not much left.
- All right, all right, I just had a realization.
I don't want to go into it
because I don't want to spoil anything.
But I was like, oh, we've got like one more thing.
Crap, no, then there's that one other thing.
- There's still a big fire.
I got you. - Yeah, yeah, all right.
- See, the houses on silt,
they intended on filming the collapse of the hut,
but the structure crumbled of its own accord
before they were fully set up.
(laughing)
But the cameraman was able to whip the camera up
and catch that shot of the hut falling.
- The one shot.
- This is my new favorite movie.
(laughing)
Look, I'm reading all this trivia.
- And this is the sort of thing we never knew back then.
- I know.
- Unless you, I don't know, knew somebody who happened
to see a behind the scenes show.
You didn't get this sort of animation.
One of the directors will say,
every time a new animal would arrive on the set,
we'd find out they couldn't do anything, basically.
(laughing)
- Can we just drop the animals, sir?
This is called Bismaster for either.
- Says them.
(laughing)
- What did they want them to do?
- Instead of getting--
- Can you act like they're sitting under my tark.
What could you do?
Can you do that?
- I do.
- Can you sit?
What do you, what can you do?
- Instead of getting--
- This animal will answer me.
(laughing)
- It says instead of getting the fully trained creatures
they needed, they got bargain basement animal after.
(laughing)
- Well, there you go.
I mean, that's--
- The most egregious of which would have been that bird.
And I just found out why that bird would fly.
It was owned by the San Diego Zoo.
So it's not even trying, it was just like,
they just--
- It was just an eagle.
- An eagle.
(laughing)
- Wow.
- Oh, she's--
(laughing)
- Bargain basement animal.
- Melinda, they had to have all the sound effects put in
'cause--
(laughing)
- The bird would do it.
- Yeah, the bird would do it.
- I thought that was, I sure thought that was to do it.
- It was like throwing its voice
'cause all the beak wasn't moving.
So--
- Is it like a ventriloquist bird?
- All right, wait a minute.
- So it is really great because the bird kills the gimp guy
who falls and like plans and dies.
- He falls.
- Right.
- They're like 10 feet down the rope
and they luckily drop off the rope
and then fall into the way.
- Farmer tuck.
- Fryer tuck.
- Farmer tuck.
- Fryer tuck.
- That just happens to be there.
- He's like--
- I mean, did he mean to be there?
Or was he just like going by?
- No, he meant to be there.
- That was part of the plan.
- No, because darn, like, wait, wait a minute.
- We're gonna come, we're gonna come out this air vent.
- No, wait, wait, wait.
They actually set that up.
If you remember when they were going in,
they're like, midi from back, we'll be there.
They make a comment.
They're like, we're gonna go back.
- I almost missed that.
- 'Cause they know that the stairs with the skull
were gonna come out that way and the air vents.
- Well, here's my thing.
How far up the air vent they had to crawl
because every time you see them in that pyramid,
they're taking a stairs down, stairs down, stairs down.
- But then when they're doing the air vent, they're level.
- No, the air vent--
- They start off this way, and then it's just--
- Yeah, but at the end it's like--
- I don't know.
- We need to rewatch it and draw a schematic of the temple.
- No, we don't.
- 'Cause it's probably like Escher probably doesn't make sense.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, Brock,
the whole point is to watch it for this one podcast.
- I've never watched it again.
- And never watch it again.
- It doesn't matter.
- Yeah, we're done.
- Oh, the temple was lit with torches
that created black smoke,
and so the crew was forced to wear breathing masks,
and they had to repeatedly clean the nostrils
of the actors of--
- Jesus, so somebody got lung cancer before.
I was just talking when we lost her for that.
- The claustrophobic, wow.
- All right, so--
- So it's a fun trivia.
- Then we have the homeless scene
where the people--
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, wait, wait, wait.
- Well, we have to get out of the city.
- We had to get out of the city.
- We had to have the ferret,
Rube Goldberg device.
(laughing)
- Where he ties the ferrets to the eagle.
- Yeah, somehow the eagle doesn't eat the ferrets.
- And also, the guy's like letting them eat the rope,
and he's like, "Ah, fuck it,
I'm just gonna chop their head off."
- And then he gets, then the comedy scene
where he gets bitten in the nuts.
- Right, and then he accidentally cuts the rope.
- Right, luckily because the other death eaters
are coming right after him.
- But I've got the whip after him.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Somehow the regular guy's not getting eaten by those guys.
He's got those under control.
- So we get a nut chump,
we get an accidental rope cut,
we get the gimp guys all having to slide
underneath the door right where the spiky things are,
so they all get impaled.
And then the ferrets jump like 30 feet
onto the cart as it's feeding away.
It's a pretty impressive jump.
- It is, yeah.
- Somebody threw those ferrets.
- Or stuffed animals, yeah.
- It's a movie.
(laughing)
It's a spender disbelief for him.
- No, I thought it was a documentary.
- Please, come on, like, this is a,
well, I mean, it is, I mean--
- That's true, that's true.
- He has spender disbelief.
- But that was a little bit.
- So that we're at the homeless camp.
- Finally, God.
- So the king decides, he decides like an idiot.
I don't give a shit, we're gonna attack him,
and then he's right now--
- Get my kingdom back.
- I'll get him a kingdom.
It's like, no, you can't win.
And he's like, I don't--
- I don't care, I'm blind, I don't know what's going on.
I don't care why people are telling me,
I'm doing it anyway.
- Hey, pull the top move.
- Yeah, he totally, it's gonna be the best victory ever.
Yeah, he totally just goes.
That's a part.
It's like, he didn't listen, and then--
- Then it just stabbed him.
- Well, that's when they find out also
that the ring is spying on them.
- Right, 'cause they stabbed the ring, again, gross,
and Seth is like, we can't do this
because the bad guy knows exactly what our plans are,
and the king's like, yeah, so what?
And then apparently, overnight, they do this.
Well, they send away Beast Master
because the king's like, you're a freak, get lost.
In wonderful, fatherly king fashion.
Like, you know, you spoke against me,
you have weird powers, you're different, go away.
So he goes off and spends the night sleeping by himself.
And I guess, overnight, they do this--
- It's the next, like, yeah, the next--
- They do this attack.
- In the morning, they fucking get their ass kicked.
- Yeah, and it's like the worst attack ever.
- All right, and so then--
- Everybody gets captured.
- Yeah, everybody gets captured.
- But they get new clothes.
- Yeah, they get ripped off again.
- They're getting nice clothes to be sacrificed in.
- Yeah.
- But we're not there yet.
So then, Friar Tuck goes back,
and finds Beast Master is just like,
sleep on the rock, and they're like, yeah.
- It all went to shit.
- What you said was gonna happen, happened.
- What you said was gonna happen.
- And they're gonna kill them all.
- They're gonna kill them all.
Will you please come back?
- A rescue.
- Please, please. - Please, please go away.
- Please help us.
- In his wonderfully whiny way.
You must come back.
- Yeah.
- Whatever.
- But he's like, and then Beast Master's like,
fine, fine, fine, fine, whatever, right?
- I got nothing else to do.
I don't, I'm not gonna handle these fucking ferrets all day.
- Yeah, that's right.
- So he's like, all right, so he comes back,
they ride back into town, and it's like just in time.
- For the sacrifice.
- And there's a pyramid fight scene.
- Yeah, which is so slow.
- I think there's the overriding theme.
Like every single thing that we say,
that this was horrible.
- It's so.
- Oh, this was horrible.
- No, the pyramid, the pyramid fight scene is so slow.
- All the fights scenes are slow.
- Like, I feel like, but is it slow?
- It's like, if we, like, if I got a stick,
you got a stick and we would be like, okay, let's do this.
Let's go parry, thrust, thrust.
- It's like bugged up.
(laughing)
- Yeah, I'm sorry, death, death, death, death.
- Back to fire, death.
- Oh, god, don't turn parries in.
- Thrust, but it's not anywhere near that speed.
It'd be like, yeah, it's like--
- I don't know, I don't think the fight scenes were that slow.
I mean, okay, it's no, it's no like Avengers movie
or Matrix or anything like that.
It is definitely aged, but I mean, if you compare,
if you compare the lightsaber scene in Star Wars
to the lightsaber scene, even in like the Phantom Menace,
it's not much of a fight
between Darth Vader and Obi-Wan Kenobi.
- It's really bad. - It's very tame.
- It's better than this shit.
- I'm not saying it's not, but I'm just saying
that things change, but they're like--
- It's his big move, his big move in this.
- It's the rollover, the point he gets--
- No, when he jumps, like, there's a fire pit there,
he jumps into the beginning of it and then jumps back at,
like, that's his big move.
- Well, and I'll give it to you, like--
- And Johnny most of this fire stick.
- It's just like--
- Boom, it's not a fire stick, his stick, he's like--
- His fire stick, he's like--
- You wouldn't watch it, it was that prime.
- Yeah.
(laughing)
- That sky is in a way that would probably be like,
"Ow, man, knock it off."
- Yeah.
- And they're like, they're dead.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, they're falling over and wailing in pain,
so either there's something on that stick
that I don't know about or--
- He's got poison all over that.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So there's the fight scene and of course,
the bad guy loses, Riptorn has thrown into the fire.
- Yeah, well no, he's get stabbed first.
- Right, then he takes the ferret with him under the fire.
- Right, when he pulls the knife out
and he's sneaking up behind Beastmaster.
- And the ferret jumps up to it from the ground,
like a ferret could do, from the ground, up to his neck.
- Right, so--
- By someone who falls under the fire,
probably the saddest scene in the whole movie,
after the dog dying, or maybe in comparison with that dying.
- Nah, I think that's the saddest.
- The ferret dies.
- Yeah, when Frodo dies, it's so bad.
- He goes into the--
- Yeah, but Zaymont's still there.
- Yeah, Zaymont's still there.
- Zaymont's still there, I can't remember which one.
- When they die, it's so sad.
And so we got that going on.
- So you think like, hey, the movie's over.
And then like the king is the little boy's the king,
they're all good.
- That's right, 'cause the king was killed.
- Yeah, he got stabbed.
- No.
- Riptorn killed him.
- Yeah, the king got stabbed.
- Yeah, he like slashed.
- Nah, he got shot till the ward comes, guys.
You guys are stiff in the head.
- He's fine, the king is fine.
- He got stabbed by Riptorn.
- No, he did not.
- Yeah, he did.
- On top of the temple.
- No.
- What movie did you watch?
- I watched him when he did it.
- I'll put it back on.
He doesn't get hurt until he gets shot in the arrow.
- No, that's the little king.
- We're talking about the old king.
- The old king.
- With no eyes.
- Oh, I'm talking to him.
- Riptorn kills him.
- Okay, I'm talking with the new king.
- Okay, I was like, what the hell am I doing?
- You're right, the old king gets killed.
- The old king gets killed.
- The old king gets killed, I'm saying the new king.
- Well, we just kind of miss.
We sleep.
- Wait, wait, wait.
- So the old king is dead.
So now the young boy is based on the king.
- Yeah, I'm sorry.
We skipped that boy.
- That's okay, that's okay.
- So now the turn of order is coming.
- Well, yeah, that's the thing is like,
you think that, hey, the movie's kind of over
because Riptorn's dead.
The back mayoks, he's dead.
And then you're like, oh shit,
we've got the bad special effect on the horizon again.
The what color?
- This one was orange.
- Okay, so the orange dust storm is coming.
And it's the John Horrors and they're on their way back.
- The John Horrors?
- The John Horrors.
And so they decide that they have to fight this.
So you have end fight number two.
- Yeah, where they fight the horde
and they move the bridge and set fire to the moon.
- This is the thing I remember as a kid,
like this was the fight.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, the temple fight was kind of...
- Yeah, temple fight.
- I mean, the priest can't fight with a dam and yeah.
- No, they pull the bridge back.
- They fuck, they think about it.
- 'Cause there's a moat of tar around the city,
which is weird.
- Which is weird.
- Which is just weird.
- Or some tar.
- I mean, has there ever been a moat of tar in anything else?
I know they would dump tar back in the Middle Ages.
- They never had enough for moats, did they?
- It was always water.
- Yeah.
- It was waste.
- It was like waste to casting this, yeah.
- Okay, so we have a tar moat,
which is maybe unique to these best.
- Well, maybe a game game for thrones,
apparently still less.
- Okay.
- Well, I mean, I feel like now that I watched,
I mean, game of thrones, I love game,
but they, this is what the main, like it's the same.
- But isn't everything stolen from something else at this?
- Sure, sure.
- Having all the stories been told.
- I mean, like, so they just piece it together differently.
- Sure, sure.
- So yeah, they cover the tar moat.
- This is a great...
- They pull the bridge back.
- It's kind of a cool plan.
- It's better than the raft.
- I feel like the most plan was better than the raft plan.
- Yeah.
- As plans go, I don't think,
I don't think Mark and Seth were in on this plan.
- Although, I do, okay, so then the John Howard shows up
and they decide, you know, they're gonna have them come forward,
fall into the covered moat 'cause they don't know it's there.
And then because it's tar, they're gonna light it on fire.
- I think it is.
- But they didn't really have a good plan
for the lighting it on fire.
- No, they should have had fucking, like, the air force.
- That's what, this is the, I'm saying, this is Game of Thrones.
- Okay, so they should have had archers on the fucking
and shoot the fucking thing down.
- No, so they just send guys out
who just keep getting shot down.
- Yeah, and shoot the old dude.
- And then the kid.
- The new king gets shot.
- The new king, that's where I stopped by.
- Tony Roberts runs out, doesn't get shot.
- Loses are short.
- No, her coat, her, her.
- She loses her, yeah.
- Something to the gate, of course, 'cause it just,
- You gotta just pull the clothes off this corner.
- The whole world is just ripping clothes off of her.
So how did they light it again?
- Oh.
- And somebody, and they hit the guy.
- And he lights up and then Mark's saying,
'cause it doesn't decry it, it doesn't decry it again.
- Okay, yeah.
- Yeah.
- And then that'll light some fire.
- Well, it doesn't light up fire.
It explodes, 'cause everybody knows it's horror.
- Yeah.
- It's a fire attack.
- Again, we got C4.
- C4, yeah.
- When they built it in Stiltville,
they sold it to the boat people.
- That is a great, like, it's a stupid, like,
for the movie, but it's a great special effect.
- Oh, yeah, they did that.
- 'Cause it's old school.
It's, there's a CGI.
- It's blue, it's pyrotechnics.
- They totally blew that mode up, which is amazing.
I don't know how they did that, but--
- Kudos to them.
- It is kudos to them, but--
- We'll give them that in the eye, in the creeping--
- It is, so few moments.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
They had some good, I mean, special effect.
Yeah, the ring eye was--
- What are these guys?
Whatever they are?
- Well, then there's the fight scene.
- Right.
- And eventually, Beastmaster fights the main--
- John.
- John Guy.
- He puts off his antler.
- Cuts his ant, and then he finally kicks him back.
He--
- On to his weird mace thing.
He swipes in the bridge, and gets stuck,
and then he kicks in the bridge, and he falls on it.
- And he falls on it, which I mentioned.
'Cause that just--
- Well, if you watch the scene closely,
the main John Guy, his costume was falling down,
his tights.
- Wasn't?
- Yeah, that's a shame.
That's okay, maybe he was homeless, too.
He's just like having clothing.
So then he gets thrown in the fire and he dies,
but then a bunch of the John Horde survived,
and they surround the people outside the wall.
So it's Beastmaster, Seth, Curie, and the kid.
- The kid.
- Right?
- The kid.
- Right?
- Yeah.
- And you think it's all gonna be bad, but then--
- Wait.
- The untrained bird.
- When does they summon him?
- Before the whole fight.
- Remember, before the whole fight,
he gives the eagle--
- He got the eagle thing in.
- And so--
- He gave me the eagle.
- He was on the pyramid.
- Yeah, and he gave it to me.
- Looking solemn.
- Yeah.
- Thoughtful.
- And then the bird people--
- Hey, I'm gonna need--
- He was like, hey, I'm gonna need his help.
Like, I know we're not gonna fucking make it through us.
He comes by--
- Our plan's never worked.
- The eagle's come by.
He comes by and he does the whole, yeah, yeah.
Like, that's pretty that, but--
- So then the bird people show up
and they kill the rest of the John Horde.
And a--
- You call them bird--
- They're really bird people.
Is that what they are?
- They have the--
- They worship the birds.
- And the birds.
- Remember, so I'm just gonna call them the bird people.
So do you remember Buck Rogers, the guy with the feathers?
- They're sort of like the heroes of the movie, right?
Like, they are the heroes.
- I don't know if they're heroes
or if they're just convenient plot through tribes.
- They're totally here.
- Yeah, yeah.
I want a story from their point of view.
- They're like, God damn it.
- This boy is like--
- They're like--
- They're having their coffee.
They're like--
- Oily, this is great.
- This is great.
- And they're like, hey, he's all like,
he looks good, we should eat him.
He's got a lot of meat on him.
And then, oh shit, he likes birds.
Oh, well, well.
See you later, man.
- No, they're all sitting around there.
- And then, yeah, they're sitting around
like having a nice relaxing Sunday afternoon.
- I don't know.
- They're watching football.
- Yeah.
- And he's like, shows up like, oh shit.
- Fuck!
- They are referred to.
- Hey, wait, wait, Bob, do you--
Bob, Bob, Bob, do you give this thing?
What is this?
- The beacons are lit.
- What is this?
Did you give this to somebody?
He's like, oh fuck.
- We talked about never giving out the amulet, man.
- God damn it.
- Like, wait, who told you you give the ambulance out?
- The bird bed are eagle-worshiping freaks
who look like vegetable-based imperial guards.
- Yeah.
- Okay, that's right.
- That's so weird.
- So the bird people show up.
- They call bird bed.
- They kill the rest of the,
and if you get some more of the awesome struggling
and then opening up
and all you get is like helmets and bones.
- Bat creatures, they're also, we first--
- And then the three leaders are like hovering
and he's fast and looks at them
and they have this moment of like,
thanks, man, I owe you one.
And then I guess they fly away.
- Yeah, I don't know what's going on.
- I guess they can fly, but they never,
you never show them flying.
I don't know how they get around.
- Yeah, it was weird.
- I imagine if they're-- - They're really tall.
- Yeah, they're so high.
- I guess, they're like the three main guys.
- I don't know.
- It's so weird, that's another weird part of it.
- That ends, they're all everybody's happy.
They drag the poor shot king kid back in,
just ceremoniously-- - So that shot in the right arm.
- Unceremoniously rip the arrow right out of them.
- Right, right, and then they're like,
hey, you got shot in the right arm,
but you won't use to your left arm for a while.
- Yeah, there's some kind of weird nerve thing going on there.
I don't know what that's all about.
John Amos, it's old time, he couldn't figure it out.
- That's right, he just made it up.
- Yeah.
- We're gonna bleed him with leeches.
He'll be fine. - Yeah, yeah.
- And then-- - Luckily he stayed a lot.
- Dear God, are we done?
- No, not yet, because then Seth,
John Amos' character, sees the brand on dark.
- Oh, yeah, that's right.
- And he's like, wait, you're the firstborn,
he used to be like, dude, I don't want to be king.
- Darr's like, fuck off, he's like, I will kill you.
I'm gonna go wander the desert like Jesus or something.
- For a while, and-- - That's what he's basically like.
- And then he leaves, and Tonya Roberts shows up,
and they have a long kiss on top of a rock
while a helicopter flies around him.
- Beautiful spinoff, yeah. - And then we,
we're done.
- Jesus. - That was a beast master.
- Yeah.
- It just got to hold up.
- So, wow, all right, we're already gonna get in.
That was the whole, we're gonna end on that, but--
- Why didn't you say that?
- Because I remember, like, as you said,
like, I don't remember it as being this cinematic masterpiece
from when I was a kid.
I remember it fondly, because I was a kid.
(laughing)
I know, like, I don't remember it.
I never had those expectations for it,
but watching it again, the things that I,
that I was, you know, that I liked about it
when I was a kid, are completely overshadowed
by the rapey overtones, the, I mean, like, there's just--
- Okay, well, there's, I feel like there's a difference
between it not holding up and it not aging well.
- Like, I would say the rapey scenes,
like, James Bond is the same way.
- Okay, but the point, is it hold up?
That's the whole point of what we're talking about.
- But I think, no, I'm saying that--
- Does it survive the test of time?
- I'm saying that those two things can be completely different.
- All right, all right, so I feel like,
I feel like the, like, the rapey overtones and the--
(laughing)
And, like, the things that, you know,
the creepy factor is still there.
Like, if you stumbled upon this movie
in the middle of the night and you were watching it,
you'd probably have, like, some shit crazy nightmares.
So there's still, like, the creepy factor still works,
but there's, it's just that, all that you had as a kid
watching it, that's completely gone.
Like, I still get that when I watch things like,
Empire Strikes Back.
And I know that these two movies are completely different,
but there are other movies from my childhood
that I watched and I'm like, it's still like Mary Poppins.
Like, I still watch that and there's still just that,
like, I love this movie, even if the special effects
are gray and they're, like, that hasn't aged as well.
But, yeah, I was saying this one, no.
(laughing)
They were probably so good that they're good, but no.
- I honestly expected it to be a lot worse than it was.
I was pretty sure it was not gonna hold up
that it was just not gonna be good.
And I'm not saying that it's good,
but I feel like what it was meant to be, it's still that.
- Do you think that it was meant to be campy
when they found it? - Yes.
- I think so. - I think so.
- You think it was meant as a serious movie?
You really think Riptorn was up there?
Like, I'm a serious bad guy that looks like a bird?
I think there was camp.
I mean, I think they took it seriously.
I think they tried to act well in it.
- Right. - It's not a comedy.
- Right. - But I think they knew
when they were making it that this, again,
it's not a cinematic masterpiece.
So, I don't know. - Okay.
- I'm kind of torn.
I think that what it was meant to be.
- You Riptorn?
- It's still is a campy fantasy movie
that is creepy in certain respects.
Still, that's what it was for me.
- I think if--
- That's what it was for me as a kid.
It was a fantasy movie that had, you know,
it wasn't awful, it wasn't great,
and it had moments of just like, ugh.
And I never got a lot of the sexual overtones as a kid.
So, to me, that was, you know, just not a big deal.
- If you want a bad fantasy movie,
go watch "Ad Tour of the Eagle" sometime.
- Or was it? - From "Liles of Keith,"
that it's terrible.
That is a bad beast match. - Oh, wow, wow, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay.
- See, to me, I know, I know, but see, to me,
I've seen that movie, and that's just a bad movie.
- Okay.
- This wasn't a bad movie.
Not a great movie, but watchable.
- So, you think it holds up?
- For what it was meant to do, yeah.
- Okay. - Who does?
- Brad.
- This is a big shit.
(both laughing)
It doesn't hold up.
It's horrible, there's child sacrificing,
this is not a PG movie, this is bullshit.
And I disagree with Brock completely.
(both laughing)
It's horror.
(both laughing)
- It's totally a ignorant slut, yes.
It is a piece of shit.
I don't think they meant it to me, campy.
I think they meant to make a real movie.
They missed so far on the mark.
- Sorry, Mark, but pun intended there, but yeah, it is terrible.
It's Charles Barkley, it's terrible.
- I think one of my problems is that, since--
- Wait, I'm still talking.
(both laughing)
- No, keep talking, wine, man.
No, no, honestly, it's really, for me,
I think part of my problem is that since
I saw all this movie as a kid,
I've kind of been a connoisseur of bad movies.
- Yeah, your bar is a lot higher.
- Come on.
- No, no, no, I'm just saying that it wasn't as bad
as I thought it was gonna be, it just wasn't good,
but it wasn't as bad as I thought it was gonna be.
- It's still terrible, it's terrible.
- It didn't hold up.
- I can agree to disagree.
- It's a kid, I thought this was amazing.
- See, I don't remember thinking of it as an amazing movie.
- There's a movie on that.
- That's where we're gonna disagree on it.
The whole, does it hold up?
As a kid, I thought this was an amazing movie.
- Okay, I thought, like I remember watching this,
I remember thinking, oh, Beast Master, I love watches.
- Yeah.
- It's so great, even the edited part,
I think it's the movies, it was so great.
It's so amazing movie.
And to watch it now, I'm like--
- I think you've been desensitized to Boobies.
- No, it's amazing.
- You've just seen so many boobs.
It's no thing anymore.
- It's lost its magic.
- I've seen so many, no, it has not been the Boobies,
but no, now it's like, it's so cheesy, it's so bad.
And it's really scary, like--
- Oh, there are so, yeah, I'll give you that.
- It's like, the fuck, there's a child sacrifice in it.
- Yeah, I still think the flappy dudes are the worst.
- Yeah, the bird man, the bird man, that's creepy.
- That is, but there is a kid that gets thrown into the fire.
- And another kid that really gets thrown into it, yeah.
- That is fucked up.
So I'm like, it doesn't hold up, that is some messed up stuff.
- I'm sorry, if you love this movie in the 80s, it's fine,
but--
- Stick with your memories.
- It's sick with it, don't watch it again.
- Unless you wanna watch it and listen to all the wonderful
pieces of trivia that we found out.
- But don't, yeah, this does not hold up.
- So the entire homeless camp.
- I would not, I would recommend not watching this again.
(laughs)
- This is, okay, so blocked up from here on out.
Can we make an agreement that we're gonna say breasts
and not boobies?
- Yeah.
- No, I'm not boobies, come on, I think we need to go breasts.
- I'm gonna start saying titties.
(laughs)
- Jugs.
(laughs)
- On a scale, on a jug scale of 110, this was a seven.
(laughs)
This titty scale was, yeah.
Wait, I can't say, wait, wait, wait, I have to say, wait.
I don't know, boobies just sounds like we're back
in 1982 talking about the movie.
Did you see those boobies, Brad?
(laughs)
Breast.
There were a lot of breasts in this movie.
- Wait, okay, I can't say titties, I can't say titties.
- I don't care, I just don't, I think boobies.
Boobies, boobies-- - I would say boobies.
- 'Cause they seem boobies.
- I know, I know, 'cause we're thinking about
boobies seem like the right-- - I just think it's funny.
It's like-- - For this particular movie.
- Yeah, so this movie-- - Yeah, so this movie
seemed like-- - Okay, so how about--
- Tiny rocker's boobies.
- Boobies, I don't know what boobies for now on.
- All right, well--
- This is us, signing off.
- Yeah, that was our first episode.
- Wait for the next one.
- Yeah, we're gonna do, I think, I don't know,
what's our next, are we doing air wolf,
or are we gonna do, or legend, as I don't know.
- We're gonna cut this part so we can't hear it.
- But that's, yeah, it's, I wonder if this
is gonna be the dynamic, if it's gonna be like,
you're really hard on 'em.
You're kind of in the middle, and I'm like--
- It was you dabbed, man.
- Yeah, fuck, I'm gonna be the one.
It's like, don't listen to what that guy says,
'cause he likes everything.
(laughing)
It's like, unless it's like,
playing nine from outer space,
he's gonna be like, it's not that bad.
Man knows the hands of fate, it wasn't that bad.
Oh gosh.
- All right, was we should put legend in,
sit down here.
- No, it's almost 11 o'clock.
- Is it?
- Okay. - Yeah.
- I feel like-- - We're cutting it now?
- Yeah. - Yeah, I'm go ahead.
- Ehhh. - The constellations, right?
- It's like the constellations.
(laughing)
- We can't, we can't.
- Oh yeah, I know, we can't do that, sorry guys.